


Mask

by dmumts



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: (but not really), Angst, F/M, Friends With Benefits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-07-12 17:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15999956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dmumts/pseuds/dmumts
Summary: Neither of you thought you’d have quite a relationship like this in your lives, if it can even be considered a relationship. When casual sex inevitably leads to deeper feelings, it complicates things for both of you, whether you know it or not.





	1. Chapter 1

Casual, he said.

No, not friends with benefits; you weren’t even friends to begin with. It was _just_ casual. There was no room to question what you were and where your relationship could go, because it was nothing more than sex. Formalities, sex, some more formalities, then you go your separate ways.

At first, you were on board. You were both physically attracted to each other in a truly irresistible way. You locked eyes, and you were instantly drawn to each other like magnets. You danced, his hands gripped firmly around your waist as he pressed his forehead against yours, breathing heavily as his eyes bore through your soul.

Out of character, he said. But you knew Kyungsoo wasn’t shy, at least from what he’d displayed every time you interacted thereafter. With the way he pulled you onto his lap, teasingly brushing his thumb against your thigh, then pulling you in for the most mind numbing kiss you’d ever experienced, you had a hard time believing he was shy.

Somewhere along the way, things took a shift, at least on your end. His kisses that at one point only made your brain slightly foggy started to make something burn in your chest. His touches had now felt like an electric shock with even the slightest brush.

You fell in love with the way he laughed deeply whenever you made a corny joke. You loved the way his eyes crinkled, how he threw his head back as he unsuccessfully tried to stifle another laugh.

Along with those memories, you remembered how focused he looked while you lied beneath him. His muscles tensed with every thrust, and occasionally he would whisper something sweet, with his lips softly brushing against your neck.

Each time, you fell in love with something new. Whether or not you were in love with him was whole was a different question. And, truth be told, you didn’t want to know the answer.

Regardless, as his lips traced your collarbone, your stomach curled, and you couldn’t tell if it was from excitement, emotional pain, or both.

He had a vice grip on you like no one had ever, but it remained a mystery as to if that was good or bad.

He ran his tongue up your neck, stopping at your jawline, instead trailing light kisses up to the corner of your lips. You held your breath, waiting for him to kiss you with the same passion that always put you at a loss for words. Instead, he stared into your eyes, sliding your bra strap down, a small smile forming on his face.

“What?” you asked, barely audible. You were about to ask a follow up question, but gasped when you felt his teeth graze against your neck, then his tongue swirl in the same area.

He pulled back once again, running his fingers through your hair, pressing his lips against your forehead. “You’re beautiful,” he mumbled. “Lie down.”

By the time it was over, you were left a heaving, sweaty mess. Your thoughts were all over the place, and it took a while to get them together again so you could continue on with your typical routine.

But as your thoughts came together, all you could think about was how different your chest felt this time, how your stomach was in knots. You looked over at him, his breathing labored, and things only got worse when he smirked at you, reaching his hand up to brush your cheek.

Yet another thing to love; the way he looked directly after sex. His hair stuck to his forehead, his chest rapidly moving up and down, eventually coming to a slower, more relaxed paced, as he fought to keep his eyes open.

It was a sight you saw often, and you appreciated it more than anyone could imagine, but something felt off. Like there was something missing, but you couldn’t figure it out. It wasn’t like you weren’t fine with your whole arrangement; you were excited, actually. It was a new experience, and you loved it.

You sighed, then went to the shower, the hot water calming your nerves a bit. Not nearly enough to shake the strange feeling in your chest, but enough that your hands didn’t tremble anymore. You hopped out, grabbing the towel that he’d left for you, and walked out, water dripping from your body as he sat at the edge of the bed, now in his boxers.

He had that same intense glare, the one he’d given you when he first met you. The one that made him all the more attractive in your eyes. Yet, it felt different. It felt more like he was studying you, and not in a sexual way.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, tilting his head. “You’re not saying much, or anything for that matter.”

“I’m just not up for talking. It’s normal,” you lied, though you could tell that he didn’t buy it.

“Is it?” He stood up, standing behind you, so close that you could feel his breath against your neck. Soon after, his hands were around you as he swayed back and forth, your towel loosening a bit. “I don’t know a lot about you, but I picked up enough in the past four months to know that there’s something on your mind.”

His sudden physical contact only made whatever you were feeling worse. All intimacy normally ceased as soon as the sex ended. If you were lucky, he’d tap your shoulder before you entered your car. Feeling him so close to you, feeling his electric touch trail up and down your arm was enough to send your heart into a frenzy.

“C’mon, you can tell me what’s wrong.” His voice was soft and gentle, mostly to make you more open to revealing the issue. The problem with that was that you really had no idea how to say it when you didn’t even understand yourself.

“Nothing, I swear,” you said a bit too fast. He sighed, releasing you. “I’ll be out of here soon.”

He watched intently as you dried your skin, then put on your clothes. Your body moved slower than normal while you tried to focus your energy on calming your nerves. Suddenly, you felt his arm on your shoulder as you shoved your phone in your purse.

“Do you want to stay a little while longer?” he asked.

His question had a seemingly suggestive tone to it, so you took the opportunity to make a joke out of it, hoping that he’d be convinced that you were fine. “God, you have the stamina of… whatever animal has a lot of endurance.”

“I think technically humans have the most endurance on average, but that’s not what I meant,” he sighed, scratching the back of his head. “It’s nothing sexual, honestly.”

You raised an eyebrow, confused as to what else he’d want to do with you, considering he’d never wanted anything outside of sex for the past four months. “Then what?” you asked.

“I might as well get to know the person I’m regularly having sex with,” he shrugged.

You nodded slowly, then sat down on the bed, your arms folded as you looked at him. A small smile on his face, he crawled into bed next to you, then turned on the TV. You weren’t really focusing on much of anything, except for his smile as he scrolled through movies.

He loved movies. You could tell immediately. He mumbled something about every movie he scrolled past. ‘ _Boring… Cheesy… Pointless… Good, but not for now.’_ You felt the corners of your mouth turning up slightly when you saw the smile on his face grow wider when he landed on a particular movie. “What’s your favorite genre of movies?” he asked, his head turning to you.

“I’m not that picky, but I love romance,” you replied with a shrug.

He shifted closer to you and raised an eyebrow, continuing to scroll through movies. “Wouldn’t have guessed,” he mumbled.

“Why is that?” you asked. You didn’t exactly blame him for not knowing what type of movies you were into, but you were confused as to why romance was apparently an oddity to him.

“You’re fine with casual sex, that’s why,” he shrugged. “But I guess you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

He had a fair point, but you also didn’t actually plan on just having casual sex; it just happened. It was only until a month later when you had a discussion and decided to slap on some sort of title on it and lay down some rules. It was the exact same thing before that, except neither of you were comfortable with discussing the circumstances at the time.

“What’s your favorite food?” he asked, still scrolling through movies.

“I love pasta,” you answered. His eyes widened, and the smile on his face grew even wider, causing your stomach to churn.

“So do I,” he said in disbelief. “One day, I’ll make some for you,” he declared, finally landing on a movie, but he looked as if he was contemplating whether or not it was good enough.

“What makes you think we’ll be around each other much longer?” It hurt you to say out loud, but it was true; he had no attachment to you other than sex, and he could easily drop you in favor of something else. There was really nothing stopping him from cutting you off, and to think of it was scary. It had become almost routine, and he could be gone within a second with no hesitation.

“Just a gut feeling,” he smiled. “Have you seen this movie before?” he asked, referring to the movie he had stopped at.

It featured a silhouette of two people in a sensual pose, but it also looked to be vintage. You hadn’t ventured much into vintage movies before, so it was safe to say that you hadn’t watched it. You shook you head, but he sat there, tapping the remote against his chin while you tried to keep your skin from touching his. Not out of disgust, of course, but so you wouldn’t be a nervous, shaky wreck again. Your nerves had somewhat eased, and you wanted it to remain that way.

“I think you’ll like it,” he spoke up, his voice tender. “Well, based off of what little information I know about you. But, this movie made me cry the first time I watched it.”

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head. “You just want to see me cry,” you mumbled.

“Nope. I’d rather make you moan,” he joked, a chuckle escaping his lips as he turned his full attention to you. Those types of jokes were common from him, but they made you blush each time. He looked back at the TV screen, then back to you. “Do you want to watch it?”

“Yes, but aren’t you going to ask more generic questions? Like my favorite color, or my… f-favorite number?” you stuttered, mostly because you didn’t know what other generic questions he could ask, and only partly because he smiled at you and it knocked the wind out of you.

“Pink, and you don’t have a favorite number,” he answered almost instantly. “You always have some sort of pink on you. When it’s not your clothes, it’s your underwear. Sometimes, it’s as simple as your hair tie,” he explained. “You also hesitated at the part about your favorite number, so I assumed that it was a trap, and that no matter what number I called, I’d be wrong. I also could be wrong about everything I just said.”

You smiled, feeling your heart race once again. “You’re right about my favorite color, but my favorite number is four,” you said, giggling when you saw his mouth open. “At least you got one right.”

“Maybe so,” he smiled. “Now let’s watch this movie.”

You took in the movie, but you also focused on every move he made, and you were suddenly overwhelmed with his scent. It wasn’t the most pleasant; rubber and sweat. But knowing why he smelled like that turned you into a mess all over again. It took you a good minute to refocus on the movie, and you were glad you did.

He was right. The movie was amazing, and you _were_ crying by the end of it. Then again, it didn’t take much to cry, especially when it came to romance. You enjoyed watching the process of people falling in love, but at the same time, it was a double edged sword. You also longed for something similar, but you knew that there was no room for love with your current situation.

You sighed, wiping your tears away as the credits rolled, then felt him pull you towards him. His warmth, his scent; it was enough to make your tears flow even more, and you had no clue why. You had a heavy feeling on your chest, as if someone was sitting on it, but you couldn’t dwell in that. It would only make things much worse for you if you didn’t get rid of it.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, running his fingers through your hair. “With the way you’re crying, you’d think this movie didn’t have a happy ending,” he laughed, the bed moving with every burst of laughter. “But I don’t blame you. It was beautiful, right?”

You nodded against his chest, sniffling as you tried to wipe away the remainder of your tears. Except, he opted to do it for you. His thumb brushed against your cheek softly, then he blew out a huff of air as he cradled you closer to him.

You had no idea where this sudden intimacy came from, but you enjoyed feeling the warmth of his bare chest and the sound of his beating heart, as well feeling his fingertips travel various parts of your body, despite the action sending small shockwaves throughout your body. It was a nice change from just sex. Sex was nice; _amazing_ ; but spending time with him like this had put you in a better mood.

Although, your chest still felt strangely tight, especially with the way his thumb kept brushing against your cheek soothingly. You sighed, pulling away from him. “It’s late. I should leave now.”                  

He nodded, rolling off of the bed. “You had fun, right?” he asked, looking at you as you climbed off the bed. “I mean, overall.”

You nodded, smiling at him. “Yeah. You always know exactly what to do. The movie was really good too,” you said before leaving the bedroom, Kyungsoo trailing behind you. “Black, and eight.”

“Huh?” You turned around, smiling at him as he raised an eyebrow.

“You wear black a lot, and eight seems like a balanced number,” you explained. “You like balance. I can tell.”

He smiled and nodded, chuckling as he folded his arms across his chest. “Observant, I see.”

You nodded and smiled, then continued walking. You stopped at the door to put on your shoes, then turned to face him to continue on with regular procedure. A wave, a goodnight, and then you were off. Except, this time, he grabbed you by your waist, pulling you close to him until your bodies practically melted into each other. His hands than traveled up to cup your face as he stared soulfully into your eyes.

The fact that you could feel your heart beat even in your legs, you knew that he felt it too. You especially knew that he felt it by the way he was smirking at you. Nothing prepared you for this, so you weren’t exactly surprised at the way your body had decided to react, though it didn’t stop it from annoying you.

You’d been having sex with him regularly with only minimal nervousness. It was frustrating to become a huge bundle of nerves when faced with the smallest amount of intimacy.

“You’re so pretty,” he mumbled. You didn’t even have the time to blush properly when his lips connected to yours with enough force and passion to make your knees wobbly. His lips were plush and soft, just like always, but this particular kiss felt like it sent you to a different universe. This one made you feel like your mind had been erased, and all you could think or feel was the way your stomach fluttered and the way your heart threatened to bruise your rib cage.

Even after he finally pulled away, you couldn’t think straight. You were amazed at how beautiful he looked while smiling at you, his hands now at your waist. One of his hands reached up just to rub his thumb on your nose, and you swore you let out an accidental whimper.

He let you go and opened the door for you, and you quickly stumbled out, wanting to get as far away from the situation as possible to resume acting normal.


	2. Chapter 2

He had a mole on his ear.

It was one that you’d never noticed, but now that you had, it was one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen.

No, that was a lie. His lips, the way his lips protruded with certain words, the way they would glisten after he licked them. _That_ was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. They were made even more beautiful once they became one with your skin, feeling his breath as he trailed kisses along your stomach, then watching him smirk with those same lips when you let out a moan as he neared your hip bone.

He came back up, littering kisses around your lips, before finally connecting, his tongue almost instantly slipping into your mouth as if he could no longer hold himself back. Rough, passionate, and his lips remained intoxicatingly soft and sweet, enough to make you dizzy.

His hands kept yours pinned above your head as he kissed you hard enough to leave you breathless. Your stomach flipped each time you felt his tongue flick over yours, then brush against your lip. Too soon, he pulled away, panting as he brushed some of your hair out of your face, his lips curling into a smile before he went back down, this time focusing on your neck.

You sucked in sharply, briefly closing your eyes as he nipped on your skin, then looked on as his sculpted face was illuminated by the setting sun. You breathed in his scent, not yet sullied by sweat and the scent of a condom. Instead, he smelled of a unique blend of oranges and roses, which only sent your heart into even more of a frenzy.

Your legs wrapped around his waist as his hand travelled up and down your thigh, the bed creaking softly as he ground into you, soft moans escaping your lips. The soft music playing in the distance, probably from his neighbor, only helped to set the mood even further. His skin felt soft against yours; it felt like heaven. Your personal heaven, where Kyungsoo touched every inch if your body with every inch of his.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against your neck, his body now sweaty, his chest sticking to yours. He lifted himself up, then moved to kneel at the edge of the bed. Without giving you chance to react, he pulled you towards him, his face now directly between your legs.

You gasped as he sucked he skin of your inner thigh into his mouth, your ears roaring as you reached down to run your finger through his hair, your other hand gripping the sheets beneath you, anticipating his next move. Your stomach was in knots as you felt his breath move along your thigh, the only physical contact being his hands holding your legs open. It was excruciating playing the waiting game. You desperately wanted to feel him again; you wanted to grind against face, you wanted to feel the vibrations as he moaned against you, and you wanted to feel his fingers laced between yours.

Just as you had thought you were going to lose your mind, he pushed your panties aside, smirking as he played with your wetness. You laughed, feeling a bit embarrassed, despite you knowing that he found it flattering.

He parted the lips, delving his tongue on your exposed button, your hips jerking up, letting out a moan. He’d always been good at that. He loved your reaction whenever he finally let you get what you wanted, and you loved the built up lust, the sensitive state you were in once you had gotten what you wanted. It only made things that much more mind blowing than it would have been.

His tongue swirled around, your breathing becoming hitched as your body quivered, your hips bucking up and down. He moaned softly against your flesh, and you knew that he was smiling as he did so. You knew how much he loved hearing you choke for air, and how much he loved seeing you desperately reach out to grab something, but your mind and body being too buzzed to do much of anything.

“Soo,” you groaned, frantically shaking your head. You had more to say, but your brain couldn’t translate those thoughts into words. Instead, all you could do was moan, your voice getting higher as you neared your peak, his tongue now moving at a rapid pace, his own moans getting louder.

His hands moved back to your thighs to hold you down as your hips became wilder. He sucked it into his mouth, his tongue still swirling around your clit. Until eventually, you were gasping for air, whimpering, desperately squirming around, your mind going blank, the only sound your brain would register was white noise.

“Oh my fucking god,” you cried out, your body still shuddering, long after his beautiful lips were no longer on your body. “Oh my god,” you breathed out, panting while he stood up, smiling at you with his hands on his hips.

Normally, sex was the next thing coming. You weakly sat up, waiting for him to proceed with the normal routine. But instead of him sliding his boxers off, he sat on the bed next to you, laying a soft kiss on your neck.

“Kyungsoo, what are you— “

“No sex. It’s just about you today,” he replied to your unfinished question. “Take a rest, go shower, then get ready.”

Before you came, he had told you that he planned to take you somewhere, and to bring extra clothes. He refused to tell you where, and it only made you even more curious.

But, presently, your focus was on how he wasn’t smiling with his lips, but with his eyes as he looked up at the roof, his chest slowly rising and falling with his knees up to his chest. He seemed relaxed, yet your heart raced even more with every second you spent looking at him.

You turned away, but soon after, you felt his hand slip into yours, feelings those jolts of electricity shoot through your body, but this time, more intense. Like you were in an electric chair, only made worse when you felt him squeeze your hand briefly. You thought your unusual feelings towards him couldn’t have gotten worse, but him being unusually affectionate turned the dial up a few painful notches.

“I’m glad I met you,” he sighed, his eyes now closed with his head bowed while a smile spread across his face. “You’re really special.”

Your hand began to shake slightly against his the moment the words left his mouth. You didn’t feel special to him; in fact, you had your suspicions that he had been having sex with other people. Of course, it wouldn’t have necessarily been a problem, seeing as you never agreed to be committed to each other, but the very thought of him touching him someone else the way he had touched you, making someone else feel dizzy with a just a mere glance, his compliments falling on their ears as his lips traced their neck; it did something to you. It made your stomach curl, and you had to do everything in your power to immediately get rid of the thought.

But hearing him confess that you were special to him eased you a bit. You knew he was physically attracted to you, just as you were with him. And, there was a certain level of care you needed to have to be so intimate with someone, so although you weren’t friends in the normal sense, or at all, you knew that he did care for you to some extent. However, you felt like there was something missing, and maybe hearing that you were special was the missing piece all along. Yet another reason to feel relieved.

Hopefully now your peculiar behavior would subside.

Unfortunately, as you sat next to him in his car, your hands nervously playing with the hem of your dress, it was clear that your uneasiness would not wane anytime soon. He reached over, giving your shoulder a shake before exiting the car, then opening the door for you.

You stepped out, your legs moderately trembling as you stepped out. It took a you a second to notice where you were; your mind had been in another place the entire time. He had taken you to an Italian restaurant.

You gasped, your hands going up to your mouth as you took in the scenery of the outside. It wasn’t too fancy; there were no water fountains, or anything else that indicated that it could be considered high end. It wasn’t huge, and there were fairy lights on the outside, along with floral decorations that made it seem cozy and inviting rather than just a restaurant. And you were stunned that he’d actually take you some place like this, considering that you weren’t even friends.

He grabbed your hand, pulling you towards the door. “Wait until you see the inside,” he raved, a small, gentle smile on his face.

He had seemed just as excited as you were, and when you stepped inside, you could tell why. It was like stepping inside of a forest, a dimly lit forest, as if there was a camp fire in the center. You bounced on your heels, squeezing his hand tighter as you continued to stare.

Eventually, you got to your reserved seats, still in awe as you looked around, the smile permanently plastered on your face. All the nervousness you had faded away, and all you felt was happiness; pure bliss.

“When I found out your favorite food, I spent a lot of time looking for the perfect restaurant. I’m really glad you like it,” he said with a smile, holding your hand on top of the table.

“Soo, are you kidding? I don’t just like it; I _love_ it,” you beamed. “Thank you for doing this; you really didn’t have to.”

You heart fluttered once he rubbed his thumb along the back of your hand, his eyes slightly crinkling as he smiled at you. “I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. Like I said, you’re special to me.”

You were about to respond, but the waitress came by, a genuine smile on her face rather than a typical customer service smile. You and Kyungsoo were still hand in hand as the waiter greeted you, asking what you wanted. After taking your order, she nodded, then walked away, turning back after few steps.

“I almost forgot; wine is half off for couples, and we offer a single rose for free.”

Then almost immediately, his hand slipped away from yours, then he shook his head. “No thank you.”

And it was like that for the rest of the night. Conversations remained the same as before; nothing too serious, surface level chatter. Along with that, all his unnecessary touches seemed to stop completely. You were back to square one within a couple of hours. You felt a pang in your chest with every moment of silence. You could not hold a proper conversation in this state, and you knew he sensed it as well.

“You mean a lot to me, you know. I’ve probably said that before,” he confessed, reaching over to hold your hand again. “Your silence tells me something’s wrong, but I won’t push you. But, just know that you’re a staple in my life.”

He comfortingly squeezed your hand, then sighed. Despite him saying it, you didn’t feel like you were; at least not emotionally. You knew that all you were there for was sex, and you agreed to be there for that one reason. Unfortunately, that feeling that something was missing had come back, and you had no idea what the final piece was. “Are you having sex with anyone else?” you suddenly asked, cursing yourself in your head once you realized how your question sounded.

But instead of the reaction you were expecting, he laughed, shaking his head. “Of course not. Like I said, me having casual sex was out of the ordinary,” he explained, the smile still on his face. “Listen, I just want you to enjoy yourself. Today is for you, and only you. Even if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, at least tell me what I can do to cheer you up.”

You sighed, shrugging. You were beginning to feel like there was nothing that could’ve changed the way you felt. The only thing you could do was brush off your feelings and hope things settle after that. “There’s nothing wrong, I promise,” you smiled. “Don’t worry about anything. I’m happy, and I’m enjoying myself.”

When it was time to go, he had suggested going back to his house. You immediately assumed it was for sex. After all, he’d been out of character enough for the day; it was only natural for you to assume that he’d want it at one point, and you really didn’t mind.

Your assumption seemed even more plausible once he started removing his clothes, then helped you strip down to your underwear, leaving trails of kisses from your neck to your collarbone. But when he hopped into bed and turned on the TV, you realized your night didn’t entail anything sexual.

You crawled into bed next to him, your bodies inches away from each other, but not touching. You had still felt like something was missing, and it was hard to swallow it down. It was unfortunate, because you really wanted to savor these moments with Kyungsoo, but your nagging thoughts wouldn’t allow it. All you could picture was his hands on a body other than yours, pouring out the same affection he had given to you.

“It’s horror tonight. I hope you can handle it.” He winked at you, then slipped his hand around you, pulling you closer.

And within an instant, all those thoughts were gone. Instead, you felt overwhelming happiness, and rather than nervousness, you felt comfort with his arm around you, as if you were meant to be there. Although your skin felt it had been hit by lightning, your heart didn’t race like it normally did.

You took a deep breath, then laid your head on his chest, a smile on your face as you glued your eyes to the TV.

Maybe it was a good thing that you really couldn’t handle horror movies, because with every squeal, he held you closer to him and kissed the top of your head, occasionally laughing and teasing you. Something went off in your chest each time, but you couldn’t quite describe it. It wasn’t the same rapid, wild beating that rendered you weak. Instead, it had sped up slightly, but not enough to become a distraction. And rather than feeling something heavy on your chest, you felt light, like you were about to fly with just a slight gust of wind.

But you didn’t dwell on the feeling for too long. About an hour into the movie, you were both drifting in and out of sleep. It was understandable; it was late, after all.

He snored softly, his arm still around you. A smile came to your face as you watched his mouth hang open slightly, snoring softly. You had never thought he was a snorer, and it made him even more adorable.

You detached yourself from him and began sliding your dress back on. It didn’t take long for him to wake up and sleepily look up at you. You smiled at him while collecting your things, and as soon as you were about to step out of the room you heard him mumble something unintelligible. You looked back and saw him limply waving you over.

“I picked you up from your house. Are you really going to walk home at this hour?” he asked, his voice a bit raspy. “Let me put on some clothes and I’ll take you home.”

You immediately shook your head. He was much too tired to drive you back to your house, no matter how much he tried to play it off. “I planned on calling a cab. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” you assured him.

“Or, you can just stay here,” he suggested. “I don’t mind you spending the night; it’s up to you. But, I’m not letting you take a cab at this hour; things get sketchy around this time. If you go, I’m taking you home.”

You sighed, folding your arms across your chest. You weren’t opposed to staying, but you also didn’t know whether or not it was best for you to stay on account of the way you’d been feeling lately. Then again, he was adamant on driving you home if you decided to go, and you really did not want him to go through trouble of driving when he was very clearly exhausted. You nodded, your hands falling to your side. “Give me a pillow and a blanket, then.”

“I thought you’d want to sleep with me,” he said, stretching his arms above his head. “But if we’re going to sleep separately, you take the bed. It’s only the courteous thing for me to do.”

Your raised your eyebrows at the thought of sleeping in the same bed as him. It shouldn’t have been something so surprising or out of the ordinary, seeing as you’d been having sex with him for four months, but it was. Sure, you had lied in bed together, but you had no idea how different it would be to just sleep in bed together. It was, however, something you were open to doing. Besides; you didn’t want him to sleep on the couch. “We can sleep together,” you decided.

He smiled at you and nodded, shifting to the left side of the bed. “Take off your dress and get here when you’re done.”

After you did, you crawled into bed and lied back to back. His warmth radiated, and he breathed steadily, while all you could do was stare into the darkness. You couldn’t sleep; not when you were lying in bed right next to him. No matter how exhausted you were, your racing mind would not let your eyes close like they wanted to.

Things got even harder for you one he turned around, pulling you into him. He kissed your ear, and you heard a small laugh escape his lips as he adjusted himself. “Good night. Dream of me, and I’ll dream of you.”

And your heart felt light again. Nothing but calmness and relaxation, and you knew it radiated to him as well. Even though you could clearly breathe in his scent, feel his warmth against your skin, and feel his breath against your neck, all you could feel was the same feeling you had gotten once you saw the restaurant. Cozy and inviting. Home.

And as his lips; those lips that you had fell in love with; pressed into your neck once again, you drifted off into a deep sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Having someone in your life consistently and then having them disappear was a lot to handle. You hadn’t gone a week without seeing Kyungsoo since you had met him, and you thought him confessing that you were a staple in his life and spending so much non sexual time with him meant you’d be there for quite some time.

But as the days went by, you soon realized that you weren’t as much of a fixture as you had previously thought. Days turned to weeks, and eventually, it had been exactly a month since you’d last seen him; when you woke up in the morning with his arms wrapped around you while he hummed in your ear, having woke up long before you. He seemed to be in a good mood as he drove you home, and even gave you a peck on the cheek in front of your door.

You remembered excitedly waiting on your phone to ring for a week. Then after two weeks went by, you began to wonder what went wrong; if you had done something that made him disinterested, or if he was just tired of the whole arrangement. Or, if he’d found someone to be in an actual relationship with. Regardless of what it was, you’d been worried about him, and what would happen in the future.

So, after some contemplation, you’d decided to call him yourself to check on him and see where things stood. He picked up almost instantly.

“Hello?” His voice didn’t seem normal. It seemed like something was wrong, but you couldn’t decipher it just yet.

“Are you okay?” you asked. “It’s been a month, and I was just wondering if there’s anything—“

“Everything’s fine, I just… haven’t been…” He sighed and paused for a while. “When I’m ready, I’ll call you, alright? But don’t be worried about anything.”

Then he hung up without giving you a chance to respond.

Hearing his voice didn’t clear up any of your worrying thoughts. You were now even more convinced that something was wrong, and you were even more worried about you potentially being the issue.

Something in your gut told you that he wouldn’t be calling you again, and the thought was enough to bring a pang to your heart. But, you had a feeling that the day would come; you just didn’t know it’d be so soon. At the very least, you thought it would go on for a few more months, until he eventually got fed up of sex with you.

Regardless of what his reason was, even if he’d just lost his attraction to you, you had no choice but to accept it and moved on, because no matter how much you cared about him, the fact remained that you weren’t friends. Your relationship had no commitment whatsoever, so if he didn’t want sex, he didn’t want you, and that was just the truth, no matter how hurtful it was.

The first step was deleting his number. But, as your finger hovered over the delete button, you felt a resistance, as if the button was the same pole as your finger. After a while, you’d given up, deciding to do it another day.

Until then, you’d just find some other way to cope with it. Like, distracting yourself with some movies.

But, despite being alone, it was like you could feel the ghost of his fingertips running along your arm, and the beat of his heart against your head. You heard the low hum he did when he thought something was funny, and then huff he did when something was too cheesy. It was almost like he was there. But you snapped back to reality when you looked up, expecting to see his sharp jawline, the slight curve of his lip, instead seeing nothing but the ceiling.

Movies were definitely out.

Another week passed by without a peep from him, and you had been barely managing. You’d been spending most of your free time silently lying on the floor, staring at the nothing in particular. Even though Kyungsoo rarely ever came to your home, you’d seemed to have an attached memory to everything. Lying in bed just reminded you that you were alone once you didn’t feel his chest falling and rising against your head. Even showering, you were either reminded of showering after sex, or the few times he’d join you.

You didn’t understand why you’d been so torn up over the situation. You expected to be sad to some degree, but you never imagined it to be so hurtful. Granted, you hadn’t shed many tears, but that was mainly because you were trying your hardest not to. But that didn’t fool your heart; it felt the way it would as if you had been crying. One moment, beating erratically, making its presence known, then becoming feint like it had completely disappeared.

You kept reminding yourself that you weren’t friends, that you were just a regular sex partner to him. But, as much as you kept reminding yourself, it didn’t change the fact that he was your friend in your head, and it took some time for you to finally admit that to yourself. You had cared for him like you’d have cared for a friend, yet you weren’t anything to him. Practically a stranger, despite your last interactions.

You enjoyed being intimate with him, but you also enjoyed the moments where you’d make jokes and laugh at each other. When he’d stare at you, and you’d burst out in uncontrollable laughter for seemingly no reason, and then he’d laugh along with you.

But that was in the past. Kyungsoo wasn’t there anymore, and you were alone again.

Sometimes you wondered what would’ve happened if you hadn’t convinced yourself to go to the club that night; if you would’ve still crossed paths. Maybe on your way to the grocery store, you would’ve seen him. Or maybe he would’ve bumped into you randomly on the street. Or, maybe you wouldn’t have met it at all.

And with that thought, you had begun to wonder if things would’ve been better or worse or the same if you hadn’t met him. You could have met someone else in the club, someone who touched you better than he did, someone who’s finger tips turned you into even more of a jittering mess.

But the thought of someone else’s hands on you only made you contort your face and shake your head. It disgusted you to think of some imaginary person doing the things that he did to you, so your mind bounced right back to Kyungsoo on the very first night you’d come in contact.

Not an ounce of alcohol in your body, but his energy was enough to intoxicate you like no liquor ever had. When he drove you to his house, his hand snuck up your dress the whole way there. Then, he hurriedly opened the door once he finally got there. Yet, when you finally got to his room, he took things slow. You could never forget how his eyes glimmered while he was on top of you, his face just inches away from yours before slowly trailing kisses along your cheek.

Then by the end of it, you exchanged numbers, and so began your four-month long affair. One that no longer remained.

Another week passed. You’d been managing a bit better, but you were still torn up on the inside. You’d been able to tolerate watching movies and lying in bed, but the thoughts you had that prevented you from doing so still plagued you. It didn’t help that you were watching the first movie you’d watch together.

You had tried somewhat to distract yourself as much as you could, but once the hours ticked down, you were once again in your house, alone, confused, and hurt. It was just past midnight, yet you weren’t tired. In fact, you were buzzing with energy, but not in a good way. Like you’d been bottling up your feelings for far too long, and your heart was on the brink of explosion.

You sank further into bed, pulling your sheets up to your neck. You hoped maybe then you’d fall asleep and escape reality for a bit. But your mind raced, even after you’d turned off the TV, hearing nothing but the continuous ticking of a clock.

Then your phone buzzed.

You ignored it. Whatever it was — whoever it was — wasn’t important. You just needed to sleep and have things play out the way you wanted to in your head.

But when it began to buzz continuously, that’s when you decided to answer it. You aggressively picked it up, intending to get through the conversation with whoever it was as quickly as you could. That was until your brain registered who it was on the other end. Your heart stammered and your stomach flipped once you read his name two more times. Then you finally answered, bringing it up to your ear.

“I’m ready,” he said, his voice stern. “I’m coming over, so make sure everything is prepared.”

And again, he hung up without giving you a chance to respond.

But it didn’t matter. You couldn’t contain your excitement, and it was clear to see with the way your legs bounced and how broad the grin was on your face. You felt butterflies each time you imagined how magical it would be once you saw each other again.

A smile on his as he stepped in, then pulling you in for a hug, complimenting the way you smelled and the way you felt. You’d melt at how warm his body felt, and how cozy being in his arms felt. Then he’d pull away, his hand moving to the base of your neck, his lips making their way to your forehead before he slowly lead you to your room.

But when got there, you couldn’t see Kyungsoo; just a cold, rigid body standing in front of you, hands shoved in his pockets as he stepped past you. He didn’t say a word, but he had already made a b-line towards the bedroom, and you couldn’t help but notice that his eyes had seemed dead, like his normal self was someplace else.

You made your way to him regardless, hoping he’d warm up eventually. You saw him sitting on the bed, his shoes already off, as well as his shirt. His eyes met your only briefly before he sighed. “Take off your clothes,” he commanded.

He had always been dominant, but not to this extent. Never to this extent. There had always been some intimacy in the mix, something that made you feel a bit more comfortable. You didn’t even feel like you were about to have sex; you felt more like you were being punished for something you didn’t do. Like you’d need to walk on eggshells the entirety of his stay.

You figured he had sensed your inner turmoil from the way his expression softened a bit. He walked over to you, pressing his forehead against yours with one hand on your waist, and the other hand fumbling to lace his fingers between yours. Although he was displaying some of the intimacy you’d craved, looking into his eyes, something still felt off. His aura didn’t seem right, but you were conflicted. You wanted to accept this; whatever it was. But at the same time, your heart felt as if you shouldn’t, that there was something wrong and it was in your best interest to know what is was before you even considered continuing anything.

You decided to continue. You had no clue if he’d disappear again, so you thought it’d be best to savor him, even though his skin didn’t radiate the same warmth that it used to.

You blinked your eyes repeatedly as he softly pressed his lips against you neck, his hand that occupied your waist now entangled in your hair. It was still painfully obvious that he wasn’t himself, based on his kisses. Usually, he was eager, but not too eager. His kiss felt like he was doing a chore.

Then you figured that maybe one of your theories was right; that he had just lost interest. Maybe he had come back to try to see if things could go back on track, but it was clear that nothing excited him. And in turn, you could not focus on what was happening. You didn’t even register for a while that you were now on your bed, your breasts exposed as he kissed your stomach.

Your brows were stitched together as you stared at the ceiling. You were now fully aware of what was happening to you, but nothing felt right. It didn’t feel like Kyungsoo’s hands on your thighs; he felt like a complete stranger.

It was ironic how you were so uncomfortable with the thought of a stranger’s hands on your body, considering he had once been a complete stranger who had taken claim of your body before you had even properly learned each other’s names. The difference was, it felt natural. When he was a stranger, it felt natural to have his hands grip you like you were about to slip away. It felt natural for him to hungrily kiss you until you could no longer breathe.

But this stranger; this person who claimed to be Kyungsoo; sent you into a panic. You quickly shuffled away from him, pulling the sheets over you to cover your exposed body. Your thunderous heart beat was enough to make your entire body buzz, but not in the usual way; you were scared, and confused, and you desperately wanted whatever form was kneeling at the edge of your bed to go away.

His eyes met yours for the third time that night, and you his empty gaze engulfed you with sadness. And that was when you finally reached your limit.

You had tried to hold in your tears, but you simply couldn’t. His eyes remained locked on you, and you still felt his gaze when you turned your head in a poor attempt to hide your sadness.

“What’s… What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice now soft and gentle as he climbed into bed next to you. He reached over to hold your hand, but you quickly pulled it away. “Please talk to me,” he sighed. “Did I do something wrong?”

You had no idea how to explain how you felt to him. It had seemed to make sense in your head, but you knew that the second the words fell out of your mouth, you’d immediately think otherwise. So, instead of voicing your thoughts, you had decided on just shaking your head and wiping away your tears. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess… I’m just feeling a little sensitive.” You were about to suggest trying again some other time, but you remembered just how disposable you were. There really wasn’t even an indication of a next time happening.

“Okay… I’m ready for the truth now,” he said. “Lying won’t fix the situation, so it’s better to come out with the truth now,” he said, restraining himself from touching you.

You sighed. You knew he was right, but every time you opened your mouth to speak, you felt a lump in throat, stopping your words in their tracks. It took you a few more tries until you were able to swallow it down and speak clearly. “You feel different. You don’t feel like yourself,” you admitted, feeling a bit of relief once you said it. You didn’t want to discuss the other things, such as how you had felt before he had decided to call, figuring that explanation should have been good enough for him.

“I see,” he mumbled, biting his thumb. “I haven’t noticed a changed,” he said with a shrug.

Freezing. At first, you had thought that maybe he’d been hiding in there somewhere, but you couldn’t find him. You searched his eyes, looked at his body language, and there was nothing to indicate that this was him, other than the fact that the remained the same physically. The Kyungsoo you knew radiated warmth, even when you didn’t. The Kyungsoo so you knew wasn’t so detached.

At this point, your heart rate had sped up to an alarming rate as you thought more of the fact that you had really lost Kyungsoo, the one you’d grown accustomed to. The one you had admired for such a long time. You sighed, shaking your head. “I think you should go,” you mumbled, squeezing your eyes shut, trying to contain your tears.

“What?” he asked. You felt him scoot closer to you, his hand now on your knee. You sensed a bit of panic in his voice, but you couldn’t figure out why. “I-I thought I could sleep over here tonight,” he stuttered.

He jerked you knee away, wildly shaking your head, your eyes still closed, although you knew it was obvious that you were about to cry. Your breathing became wild, and you couldn’t contain your choked sobs any longer. You couldn’t even feel your heart anymore, like it had withered away from his coldness, and you desperately needed to get away from him to regain your composure. “Please,” you sobbed. “Please leave. I can’t let you see me like this,” you barely got out. You had no idea if he understood you, but you were now in his arms, sobbing into his chest as he comfortingly rubbed your arm.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into your ear. He sighed, blinking rapidly as he pulled you closer to him. “I’m so sorry.”

You no longer fought to get him away from you. You couldn’t anymore. Even though his coldness made you uncomfortable, you wanted any semblance of him that you could get. He could have easily left again, and you didn’t know which was more painful; having him there, but not fully, or not having him there at all.

You remained his arms, sniffling softly as he mumbled something under his breath that you couldn’t make out. But you didn’t care; you just wanted to hold on to him as much as you could, just until he eventually left.

And when he did, you were more confused than ever. He hadn’t kissed you before leaving like he had before, and he didn’t so much as wave to you. He might have left, but his coldness took up residence in your home.

And is you lied in your empty bed, you wished that the real Kyungsoo would come back and get rid your feelings that you still couldn’t comprehend.


	4. Chapter 4

It had rained almost every day since your last interaction with him. You’d spent your free time buried under a blanket, drinking coffee or hot chocolate; whatever you were in the mood for at the time. You had also been binge watching movies. Romance movies, which wasn’t the smartest idea, considering what you were going through. Almost every movie you had seen had some sort of situation like this; a rainy day, perfect for cuddling with a companion, or at least the main character imagining it like you were.

It wasn’t like you necessarily wanted a relationship with him; you just wanted something more, and it hurt you to see him in that light. All you could think about was a blanket covering both of you while he had a hand around you, continuously brushing his hand along your arm, almost like it had become a habit. And yet, you were apart. You had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Sure, you weren’t obligated to know; it just would have been nice to know at least a little bit of his daily life, considering the relationship you had with him.

Then again, you had no idea if your arrangement still existed. It may have been a product of paranoia, but seeing as he suddenly went a month without contacting you once whereas he’d call at least once a week, it was very much warranted. It didn’t keep you from trying to cling on to any bits of him that you could, even though you knew you really shouldn’t.

You gasped when you saw the characters’ lips connect for the first time, trying to stifle a sob from coming up. That’s really all that you had been doing during the entirety of the movie; holding back tears.

Eventually, after another movie, you had fallen asleep. Your dreams had involved him ever since you met him, but it was only recently -- when your chest began to feel heavy at the thought of him -- that he was a focal point.

Your lips parted as your eyes fell shut once you felt his lips against your neck, his palms at your hips as your bodies glistened with a thin layer of sweat. Even in your dreams, you could feel the electricity coursing through your body from his touch. You no longer felt heaviness on your chest, and his eyes didn’t seem vacant anymore. Everything seemed normal, and you were happy to have him back.

He pulled away, smiling at you before placing a quick peck on your lips, then pulled you in for a hug, your bodies sticking together as you both panted. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, running his fingers through your hair. Then he stepped away from you, the smile on his face growing wider. “I love you.”

You snapped your eyes open, and you were overwhelmed with how hollow your home had felt, almost as hollow as your chest felt when you realized he wasn’t there, and he never was. You were also confused as to why he’d profess his love for you in your dream, especially since you knew he didn’t, and that you didn’t either.

There were things you loved about him for sure. His lips, how deep his voice got when he was staring at you, how electrifying his touch was. You barely knew him to love him. You knew for sure that you were sexually attracted to him, and you cared enough to consider him a friend, but love was off the table. You knew that if you were in love with him, you’d have to end whatever what was going on officially. You couldn’t put yourself through that for even a second.

You sighed, deciding to go back to sleep. Your dreams still hadn’t made any sense, but he wasn’t a significant figure anymore.

Once you woke up, you had four missed calls and a few messages, all from Kyungsoo. You wondered why he’d be calling you so early and expect you to answer. That was until you caught a glimpse of the time and realized that it was almost 1pm. You immediately shot up to respond to his messages, but your heart stopped when you read through them.

It had been a series of messages with him worrying about you, wondering if you’d been kidnapped, and also wondering if you just wanted to stop talking to him. But it was the very last message that froze you. The one where he said he’d be coming over to check on you, which was sent around a half an hour ago.

You weren’t ready to see him. Not because you wanted to avoid him, but because you were a mess. You hadn’t been taking care of yourself in his absence, so you were worried that he’d be repulsed by your unkempt form. Although, he had seen you slightly messy before, he hadn’t seen how you were when you weren’t your best emotionally other than a week before, which barely scratched the surface compared to how you were now.

You hurried out of bed to try to salvage your appearance a little bit, but almost as soon as you did, you heard him knocking at your door. Instead of gentle taps like normal, his knocks were almost hard enough to break it. You froze for a moment, until you heard him knock again, this time with more force.

You hurried over to open the door, despite you still in your unkempt state. You swung it open, and you barely caught a glimpse of his face before he pulled you in, his arms wrapped tightly around you as he buried his head into the crook of your neck, panting while one of his hands stayed planted at the small of your back and the other rubbed circles onto your stained t-shirt clad back.

His clean-cut appearance contrasted your barely put together look, but you forgot about that once your mind had begun to focus on how he held you like you were slipping away, and how his scent filled your nose, sending small shockwaves through your body. You could have stayed in his arms forever; feeling his warm body against yours, swaying back and forth as he mumbled something that you couldn’t make out no matter how hard you focused on it.

When he pulled away, you finally got a chance to look in his eyes properly, but the second you did, you were at a loss for words. He held both of your hands, standing there with a look in his eyes that you couldn’t quite decipher. All you knew was that staring into his round eyes eased you a bit.

“I thought… I thought something happened to you,” he barely whispered, his lips curling into a small smile as he looked you up and down.

You’d begun to feel self-conscious again, even though he didn’t show any outward disgust towards you. “I just woke up,” you explained as you uncomfortably shifted your weight to your left foot.

“It’s fine,” he nodded, running his thumbs over the back of your hands. “I’m happy you’re alright. Besides, you don’t look bad,” he smiled.

You felt your face heat up, and you bashfully looked down at your feet. “Well, um… thanks,” you mumbled. “I’m sure you have things to do today, so I’ll just clean myself up and watch some movies or something.”

You slipped your hand away from him and stepped back, looking up at him again. It was almost like he was surrounded by a soft glow. He seemed too perfect, which is why you couldn’t get your hopes up. Not again; not anymore.

It took a while for him to respond. He just stood there, eyeing you over about three more times before finally shaking his head. “I’m supposed to meet with my friends later, but I can stay for a while. If you want me to, of course.”

For the first time since you’d known him. You could tell he was nervous. Although he wasn’t averting eye contact, you could have seen his hands shake, and his voice wavered as he spoke.

You nodded. “If you want, you can just relax in the bedroom. I’ll just take a shower, and I’ll be back.”

He smiled at you and walked past you to the bedroom then you went off to the bathroom. You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt your heart drop when you saw your face again. Your eyes were puffy, and were also surrounded by dark circles. You had dry, cracked lips, and a tear-streaked face; basically, a mess. Although he said that you didn’t look bad, you found it hard to believe.

You sighed and hopped into the shower, feeling your muscles relax gradually as the hot water beat against your skin. It was then that you realized how much lighter your chest had felt once his arms engulfed you, how you were instantly a little happier once you saw the breathtaking smile on his face.

Once you got out of the shower with your towel loosely wrapped around you, water droplets falling from your body, you entered the bedroom and saw Kyungsoo lying on the bed, watching the movie you had been watching before you fell asleep. You didn’t know what it was about since you had fallen asleep during the beginning, but it was most likely a romance movie.

He looked at you, smirking once your towel slipped down slightly. He then crossed his legs, turning away from you, his full attention back on the TV.

You were sure that you’d have no worries dressing in front of him; you’d done it multiple times to the point where you’d just drop your towel with no sexual intent whatsoever. But now, you felt self-conscious. Although he had seemed to be back to normal and that everything would be fine again, you still couldn’t trust it. You also weren’t exactly in the mood to have sex, which is something that didn’t even cross your mind until just now.

You realized that he had probably come over for some quick sex before he had to meet with his friends from the start. It made sense as to why he seemed normal; he didn’t want to be in a situation where you refused to have sex with him again.

And as your heart began to beat harder and a lump in your throat began to form, you knew you had to stop him before he even attempted it. You took a deep breath, clutching your towel against your body. “Kyungsoo, I-I don’t want to have sex today,” you mumbled.

“That’s fine,” he said with a nod. “I didn’t come here for that, actually,” he admitted, before gluing his eyes on the TV, apparently captivated by the movie.

You let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding then picked out your clothes to wear, deciding that you’d dress in the bathroom. When you came back, he was lying on his side, his head propped up by his hand, his full attention still on the movie. You slowly sat down, the bed creaking as you put more weight down. He finally looked at you, then smiled, sitting up so you’d have more space.

“This movie is really good,” he mused, pulling his knees up to his chest. He then reached out, pulling you closer to him seemingly absentmindedly as he played with his ear.

Your body had stiffened at the feeling of his skin, but once his warmth transferred to you, you relaxed, resting your head on his shoulder. You were debating in your head on whether or not you could trust your interactions. You really wanted to trust it; you wanted to embrace his warmth, and embrace the electricity he sent throughout your body. On the other hand, you were still skeptical, considering how sudden he could go from being normal to cold.

Then again, there was no friendship, no romantic relationship; just sex. He had no obligation to be intimate with you outside of intercourse.

But when he placed a finger under your chin, tilting your head up, gazing into your eyes before pressing his mouth against yours, moving languidly, you were confused as to if you were something more than sex partners. You felt everything; every crease in his lips, how his knees slowly went down, then him pulling away, now kneeling on the bed as he caressed your face, immediately carrying on the kiss.

You could taste him, you could smell him, and he was much too intoxicating. Your mind had begun to feel like white noise as he deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth as he trembled slightly, as if he was desperate to feel closer to you.

But it was over all too soon. He pulled away returning to his previous spot on the bed, legs flat as he watched you recuperate.

You breathed heavily, trying to regain your composure. Once your breathing had returned to its normal state, your mind still felt like it had been thrown into a blender. You were unable to speak or focus on anything other than him and how his eyes never left your body.

You cleared your throat, then his tongue darted out to lick his lips, a smirk growing on his face as you tried to avoid eye contact. He scooted even closer to you, slinging his arm around your shoulder. “That was just because I missed you,” he explained, his focus gradually going back to the movie.

You slowly nodded, a lump in your throat, stopping you from verbalizing your scrambled thoughts.

Eventually, with some silence, your focus had been on the movie as well. As it turns out, it wasn’t just a romance; it was a sci-fi movie, tinged with a bit of romance. Although it wasn’t exactly your taste, you had enjoyed it. Kyungsoo had seemed to enjoy it as well, but a lot more than you did. He touched you physically during the whole movie, but his body jumped slightly once something dangerous happened, indicating that he was completely entranced in it.

You found it cute how invested he was in it. You could’ve sworn you saw him tearing up a bit as the credits rolled, but he quickly covered it up with a smile, pressing his lips against your forehead. He glanced at his phone to check the time then nodded, placing it back down.

“You have to leave now?” you asked, though you got your answer when he made himself a bit more comfortable.

“No, I have some time left before I need to leave,” he mumbled. “If you want, though, you can come. I’d love for you to meet some of my friends.”

“You would?” you asked almost instantly. You noticed that his tone seemed more casual, as if he was comfortable with the idea of his sex partner who isn’t even considered a friend meeting people he was close enough to call his own friends. You didn’t even know if they knew about you or your situation with him.

He nodded. “If you’re nervous about meeting them, don’t be. They’re easygoing,” he assured you, rubbing your shoulder. “It’s been five months; it’s about time, right?”

“I guess,” you shrugged. You weren’t sure if you the thought of meeting his friends ever crossed your mind. Although you knew subconsciously that he had friends, you also didn’t know for sure. In fact, on the night that you had met him, he said that he was alone. Granted, you were too, but that was only because you had been stood up, something even he didn’t know about.

Two hours went by, and you’d watched another movie. You weren’t particularly interested in it, so you dozed off in his arms, feeling comfortable where you were. You were almost certain that he had fallen asleep as well, because you had thought you heard soft snores, though that could’ve been a dream.

Just like him occasionally placing kisses on your forehead, and muttering something about how beautiful you were.

Once you woke up, he had been sleeping as well, his body turned to you with his mouth open slightly, breathing softly. You’d noticed that he had draped a blanket over both of you.

He had looked so peaceful as he slept, and you couldn’t help but smile as you watched his chest slowly rise and fall, soft hums escaping his mouth every so often. You’d spent a few minutes looking at him before his eyes fluttered open, his brows furrowed as his eyes adjusted to the new sight.

“Why were you looking at me?” he asked, his voice a bit rough as he sat up.

You hadn’t realized you were still staring, so you immediately became flustered, scrambling to find the right words to say. “I, um… y-you looked handsome,” you stuttered.

“Handsome?” You noticed that he became flustered as well, but a huge smile grew on his face as he looked around the room. He then placed his lips against yours, his lips lingering a bit before rolling out of bed.

You sighed as your heart sped up and your stomach fluttered. You had already been somewhat used to this feeling that you got from him, but you still couldn’t understand why it had been so intense to the point that you had to close your eyes to regain your composure.

You’d almost forgotten that he’d been cold towards you before today.

You sat up, looking at him as he stood in front of the mirror, trying to fix his wrinkled clothes as much as he could. “I think you’d have enough time to get ready,” he said, turning to face you. “We haven’t really decided where we’re supposed to be going yet.”

You nodded slowly, still a bit dazed from your sleep.

In the process of getting ready, you hadn’t said much to each other, but he had periodically kissed you in various areas. If you thought you had gotten used to his sudden affection before, he’d completely changed your mind.

While you were getting ready, he’d walk behind you and kiss your ear. When you were getting in his car, he pressed a kissed at the base of your neck. Then, he’d occasionally place a kiss on the back of your hand while driving, as if it had become second nature to him.

You couldn’t think straight during the entire drive. Every time you thought you were fine again, he’d lace his fingers between yours, then glance at you with a small smile. It was as if his every gesture sent you into a frenzy.

Eventually, he pulled up to a house with a two men standing in front of it, and you assumed they were his friends. It was confirmed when they waved and jogged over, both of them piling into the car while speaking loudly. You immediately became nervous once their chatter died down after a few seconds. You had no idea what to say, or how to introduce yourself. You glanced at Kyungsoo, who was tapping something on his phone, then he looked at you.

“Jongin and Sehun,” he said, pointing to each of them as they sat silently in the back. “I think we should go to an arcade. There’s one nearby,” he said, now addressing everyone.

You had all agreed, but everyone remained silent afterwards. Even though you didn’t know them — Sehun and Jongin — you could tell that they were nervous as well for whatever reason. You saw no reason for them to be nervous or uncomfortable, but they had probably thought the same for you. Regardless, you were worried about exactly what they knew of you.

You sighed, prompting Kyungsoo to glance at you then tap your hand, which you assumed was to comfort you. You laid your head back and closed your eyes, taking another deep breath as you let the electricity run through your body.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, his brows furrowed as the car slowed down. He reached over and laced his fingers between yours. You opened your eyes and nodded, although you had still felt uncomfortable, which you knew he sensed. “You’ll have fun; I promise.” He placed a small kiss on your hand, then undid his seatbelt, getting out of the car.

Kyungsoo’s amplified affection only made you even more confused as to his feelings towards you, as well as your feelings towards him. You had enjoyed the way he made you feel, no doubt, but you were beginning to question whether or not you enjoyed it too much.

Shaking the thought out of your head, you got out of the car and walked with the rest of them into the arcade. They still remained silent, Jongin and Sehun walking behind Kyungsoo while you walked next to him, his hand slipping into yours as he looked around. He then looked to you and smirked. “I’ll go get tokens,” he said, jogging away the second he finished speaking.

That’s when you realized what his smirk was for. He had purposely left you to speak to his friends because he knew how uncomfortable you all were. You sighed, nervously chewing your thumb as you slowly turned to face them, looking down at your feet once your eyes met Sehun’s. “H-Hi,” you stuttered, waving slightly. You took a deep breath, finally looking both of them in the eyes without retreating. “I hope the rest of the night won’t be awkward.”

Sehun smiled at you and shook his head, while Jongin played with the hem of his shirt. “It’s gonna take some time considering… you know,” Sehun said with a shrug.

You sighed, chewing your bottom lip. It was clear that Kyungsoo had told them a lot about your strange relationship. “I… I figured,” you sighed before turning back around, walking towards a random game; a two-player car racing game.

You had a dream one time about playing something like this with Kyungsoo. You were sitting side by side, hands on the staring wheel as you waited for the game to start. Once you were into the game, you were beating him, and he had the most beautiful smile spread across his lips. Suddenly, his hands fell on your thigh, the gesture being enough to distract you and let him win.

As the dream replayed in your head, you sat there with a small smile on your face until he came back with two cups filled with tokens. “Did you even try to talk to them?” he asked, gesturing towards Jongin and Sehun.

You nodded and sighed, watching the demo game on the screen rather than him. “It was awkward. I don’t think they like me.”

He sighed, taking up the seat next you, handing you three tokens. You stared down at them, your heart speeding up as you remembered the dream, specifically the way it ended; with him giving you a kiss to celebrate his false victory.

You shoved the tokens in the slot and waited for it start up. You both went through the procedures and began playing, although you were losing miserably. You glanced over at him, his lips curled into a smile as he concentrated on the game, his car barely hitting any obstacles while you hit an obstacle at nearly every turn.

“They know about us,” he said, still focusing on the game. “I just told them about you a few days ago, so this is new to them. Once you play a game with them, they’ll probably warm up to you,” he explained. He then glanced over to you, placing his hand on your thigh as he neared the finish line, the smile on his face growing wider as the loud victory noise played over the speaker.

Normally, you were competitive during these types of games, but it didn’t faze you when you saw the big letters spelling out ‘loss’ on your screen. Instead, you focused on Kyungsoo, who had seemed to be taking pride in his victory since he pulled out his phone and took a picture of the screen.

His victory didn’t end in a kiss like you had hoped, but your heart filled with happiness nonetheless. Watching his cheeks as he smiled, his round eyes filled with joy while he tapped on your thigh excitedly.

And his lips.

You sighed, biting your lip as you watched his mouth move while he spoke about how he didn’t expect to win. Without thinking, you leaned in, placing a quick peck on his lips.

You had never initiated any intimacy outside of sex before. All intimacy came from him, which was out of character enough. You couldn’t believe yourself when you’d done it, and you immediately regretted it once he stopped celebrating, his eyes wide.

Before you could stutter out an apology, he leaned over, kissing you back, a small smile on his face as he pulled away. “Your lips are soft for a loser,” he teased, his voice soft and gentle as his hands caressed your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek.

You sighed, raising your eyebrows as you stared into his eyes, feeling your heart race as he let out small giggles, his face slightly reddened. You couldn’t help but feel like something was brewing inside of you and himself, although you couldn’t exactly tell what it was.

He looked back at Jongin and Sehun, who had just been playing air hockey, and it looked as if Jongin lost miserably. He snickered, then pressed his lips against your forehead. “Go play with them,” he mumbled, his lips still on your head.

You were about to say no, but once you saw the pleading look in his eyes, you couldn’t. You figured it must have been important for him for you to get along with you friends, but you had no idea why. You didn’t even expect things to get this far in the beginning, considering what you had agreed to. Things were supposed to remain in the bedroom, yet here you were at an arcade with his friends, his lips against your forehead.

You nodded as you picked up your tokens, Kyungsoo holding your hand as you walked towards the air hockey table. Jongin and Sehun had started another round, so you stood there, watching as Jongin had a concentrated look on his face while Sehun casually scored twice in a row.

He was horrible. You’d win with ease.

You squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand as Sehun got to six points. Although you were confident you were confident you’d win, the thought of playing against someone you didn’t even know was nerve-wracking. Which was ironic, since your relationship with Kyungsoo didn’t take more than an hour to become sexual.

You sighed when Sehun had his hands above his head, cheering after he beat Jongin once again. Once you felt Kyungsoo nudge you, you knew you had to step up. “J-Jongin?” you stuttered, causing him to look at you with raised eyebrows. “Can I play against you?”

He slowly nodded, shoving in his tokens on his side, getting prepared to play again with as much concentration as before. You broke free from Kyungsoo, seeing the smile grow wider on his face as you stepped away. It was enough to make your knees almost buckle, but you caught yourself in time before you embarrassed yourself.

Jongin eyed the hole carefully, striking the puck and sending it right in. Your mouth hung open in shock as you looked at Jongin cheering after scoring his first goal. You’d begun to think that maybe you weren’t as good as you thought.

After you’d scored your first goal on Jongin, you looked to see if Kyungsoo had been paying attention, but instead, he was off to the side talking to Sehun. You were slightly disappointed that he hadn’t seen it. But, you shrugged it off, deciding to put all of your effort into the game, since Jongin already had three points.

“She’s your girlfriend? I thought you were just friends.” You heard Sehun say. Suddenly, your focus was less on the game and more on whatever they had been talking about.

“You heard me wrong. I said were _not_ friends. We just have sex, and that’s it.”

Your heart stopped. You knew your arrangement, and you knew the conditions of it, but he hadn’t reminded you in a long time that you were nothing more than sex to him. Even though you had accepted it, hearing it from him made your chest and your stomach feel hollow as you tried desperately to return your focus to the game.

“She knows this, right? You two seem touchy for people who aren’t even friends.”

“Obviously there’s sexual tension, so that’s where the touching comes along. We’ve both agreed that it’s just sex, and nothing more. She seems fine with it,” he said with a shrug.

Before you knew it, Jongin had scored his seventh goal, his first win for the night. You tried your hardest to put on a smile while you watched Jongin stick is tongue and clap. Kyungsoo had finally begun to pay attention, and he walked over to you, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“Tonight really isn’t your night,” he joked, laughing as he pulled you closer.

It took everything in you to not sigh at his statement. Regardless of what you felt, he did nothing wrong. You were nothing more than sex partners, and that was that. It was what you agreed to, and you enjoyed it. At least, that’s what you had to keep reminding yourself.

As you walked hand in hand with Kyungsoo, you couldn’t register the words that were being spoken around you. It was as if every syllable blended together to form an incomprehensible mess that you couldn’t decipher, nor did you care enough to try. Your sole focus was on figure out why your heart had felt like it withered away, and why your stomach curled with every thought that popped into your head.

You slipped your hand way from his when you felt your eyes sting, hurriedly turning your face and trying to calm yourself down. He stopped in his tracks, looking at you with concern. You took a deep breath, giving all of them a brief smile. “I, uh… I think I’m gonna head home. It was nice meeting you guys,” you say before attempting to walk away. You were stopped when Kyungsoo grabbed your hand, searching for answers as to why you were suddenly acting like this.

But as his hand remained on yours, the familiar feeling of electricity coursing through your body as his beautiful eyes gazed into yours, his lips slightly parted, you realized why you could no longer keep yourself together.

You were in love with him.

No one had ever made you feel the way he did, _ever_. You adored him; physically and emotionally. How he’d absentmindedly play with his ear or bite his lip, how immersed he got in movies, his smile, his laugh when he was flustered. Everything.

“Are you okay?” His voice cracked a bit, and you could sense a bit of desperation, although you couldn’t tell what it was for.

You quickly nodded, shrugging your arm away from him. “I’ll go wait outside for a cab, alright?” you smiled, trying your hardest to reassure him. You looked at Sehun and Jongin and waved, though you knew they were uncomfortable in the situation. It was more than obvious that something was wrong, and you knew it.

“I can take you home. O-Or I can wait outside with you or something,” he stuttered, the urgency in his tone becoming more prominent.

You quickly shook your head, speed walking away from the three men, your chest feeling more hollow than it ever had been.

As the chilly breeze hit your skin, you immediately broke down in tears, wondering how you could let this happen; how you could let him sink into your life so much that you’d gotten to this state.

You promised yourself from the beginning that you’d end things if you ever caught feelings for him. So, once you got home, your tears immediately soaking your pillow, you knew you had to break up with him.

Then again, it wouldn’t be seen as a break up to him. Because you were nothing more than sex partners. Not a couple, not friends, just sex.


	5. Chapter 5

You didn’t think it was his fault. You’d simply gotten caught up in something that was meant to be fun. Something that was meant to let off steam, to fall back on each other when juggling life became too much to handle, at least temporarily forgetting the stresses of life once you were connected. You could only let out a bitter laugh when you thought about how ironic it was that your worries had stemmed from him.

It had only been a day since you left him at the arcade. You’d spoken to him briefly once you’d calmed down a bit, just to tell him you were fine, and you felt your heart break once you heard his voice along the bustle of the arcade. It was almost as if he’d been barely affected by what had been happening, although in his defense, he had no clue that your feelings had grown deeper for him.

You sighed, tossing words around your head to come up with the right thing to say to end things with him, although it was more so to spare your own feelings rather than his. He’d said that you were important to him previously, and while you knew he was telling the truth to some extent, it wasn’t in the way you’d originally thought. It was more sexual importance, not actual emotional importance, which meant you could’ve been easily replaced if he hadn’t done so already.

You hadn’t forgotten his month long absence.

Your breathing had become a bit labored once your finger hovered over his contact name. You didn’t think it would be this hard. Then again, you never thought you’d fall in love with him.

At first, you were just going to do it through text. Then, you decided a phone call would be better. Now, you were teetering between that, and calling him to meet in person, but that all depended on where the conversation led to.

The dial tone rattled your skull for about thirty seconds before he finally answered, his smooth voice doing nothing to calm you down. You nervously chewed on your thumb, the lump in your throat blocking your words.

“A-Are you busy right now?” you finally stuttered.

You didn’t hear any background noise, other than some keys jingling. “I was actually about to check on you,” he admitted, his tone a bit more playful than you’d hoped. “Why, do you need anything?”

“No, I don’t need anything,” you sighed. “I’ll see you later.” You hung up the phone without letting him get another word in.

All you could do was anxiously wait for him to come over, still trying to figure out the right words to say. You had even debated using the ever cliché “It’s not you, it’s me” line, but you eventually decided against it.

You’d never thought it would be this hard. In fact, you never thought it would end this way. You’d always thought that things would eventually fizzle out due to outside circumstances like relocation, or that either one of you would settle down with other people. You did know that there was a possibility of you catching feelings, but you brushed the thought aside, thinking that you knew how to control yourself. Besides, you weren’t ready for a relationship at the time, and you knew they brought along stress and petty arguments.

Nearly an hour later, you heard his knocks barrel through the house, and you shakily got up, raking your fingers through your hair as you tried to calm yourself down under your breath. When you finally opened the door, you immediately felt a lump form in your throat and the feeling of an intangible weight falling on your shoulders.

He stood there, a smirk on his face with his hands clasped behind his back. He didn’t seem to be bothered by anything, while your vision had been blurred by the tears pooling up in your eyes.

You took a deep breath, stepping aside to let him in. You wished to be as unbothered as him. You wished you could simply continue with your arrangement without a care in the world, without worrying about the overwhelming feeling of something being missing. Despite how desperate he seemed the night before, he had made a full recovery, and you knew it was mainly because your emotions really weren’t his problem once it didn’t directly affect him.

His arm slipped around your waist, his fingers sliding beneath your shirt. You’d been so desperate for his touch that you allowed it, resting your forehead on his chest while you tried to hold your tears. He didn’t seem to have any sexual intentions; he just hummed as his hands snuck to the center of your back, his right one rubbing small, comforting circles.

Once you felt his lips brush against the crook of his neck, you immediately pulled yourself away, leaving him confused. As you stood there, looking at him as he raised an eyebrow, you couldn’t find the right words to say. You didn’t want to be too blunt, but you also didn’t want to keep the conversation going for too long.

You sighed, sitting on the couch as you nervously played with your fingers. “Kyungsoo, I-I…” You took a deep breath, then you felt the cushion dip beside you, followed by a hand on yours. You knew you had to end it; feeling his touch like this was absolute torture. “I’ve been enjoying our time together lately, but… but things have been becoming a little…” As the lump in your throat grew larger and the tears were one second away from spilling, you found it even harder to speak.

He looked down at his thighs as if he knew what you were about to say, but he seemed sad, which you kind of expected, but you also noticed his brows stitched together as if he was trying to fight back tears as well. “We’ve been getting a bit closer, and that’s my fault. I should’ve kept you at a distance like we agreed,” he apologized, chewing on your bottom lip afterwards.

“No,” you shook your head quickly. “That’s not the problem… kind of,” you sighed, looking up at the ceiling to keep your tears in. “The problem is… I-I caught feelings for you,” you confessed, squeezing your eyes shut, your heart beating thunderously against your chest.

“O-Oh…” he replied, slumping in the chair. “So, what you’re saying is… this is over,” he summarized.

You slowly nodded, sighing deeply, your tears finally breaking from your eyes. You tried to speak again, but you felt like someone had knocked the wind out of you. Although you knew this was the best decision, you couldn’t bear the thought of losing him again. If a month was bad, you had no idea how you’d hold up for more than that. You knew that you’d eventually move on, maybe even find someone new, someone that made you feel what Kyungsoo made you feel and more.

But you didn’t want to. At least not right now.

“When this started,” he began, his voice a bit shaky as he sat up, staring straight ahead. “I wasn’t ready for a relationship again. I didn’t want the responsibility, or the possibility of heart break. But there was something about you…” he laughed, a smirk on his face as he recalled the memory. “When I went to the club, it was because my friends encouraged me to go out and have a one-night stand. They insisted that it would help me feel a little bit better, and I had all intentions of doing that. But you were so—”

“Magnetic,” you recalled your memory of that night in relation to him.

“Yeah…” he sighed. “Anyway, I didn’t want a relationship, but I also didn’t want to let you go. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know if it’s the kind of person I am or something, but I just couldn’t. All the while, I was still thinking about my ex.”

You sighed, wiping your tears away as you bit your lip. “What happened when you disappeared for a month?” you asked. You didn’t really want to hear about what had been going on around the time you met, because you felt like it didn’t really matter; things were truly casual back then. Your concern was his month long absence when you were about to break once he had left.

“Two things were happening at the time,” he stated. “The first thing is that me and my ex were discussing the possibility of getting back together, and I needed to think without our relationship influencing my decision. The second thing is that I… I think our closeness stirred up some feelings that I didn’t know existed to this extent. I thought if I took a break, things would eventually go back to normal on my end,” he admitted.

Your eyes widened after hearing him say he had feelings for you, because you honestly had no idea. It brought a smile on your face, since it meant that there really was a chance of you having an actual relationship, or at least attempting something more which was essentially what you were already doing. But you still had one more question. “If that’s the case, why did you come back only after I called, and why did you seem so cold towards me?”

“When you called, I was still in the process of figuring things out,” he said with a nod. “But hearing your voice made me realized that I didn’t want to be involved with anyone but you. At the same time, I wanted to attempt to go back to how we were in the beginning so I wouldn’t feel like this anymore. After seeing how sad you were, I couldn’t continue, so I just decided to give in and embrace what I really wanted to do,” he explained, fiddling with his fingernails.

“D-Does this mean that… You have feelings for me too?” you asked, just to clarify. When he responded with a nod, you couldn’t contain you smile. “So we can start something, right? Something more?”

His face fell, and that’s when you knew he wasn’t going to give you good news. “Actually, I-I’m sorry, but I’m still not ready for a relationship,” he stuttered, shifting uncomfortably. “The feelings are there, but… I don’t want to be selfish any longer. I can’t carry on a relationship with you and be hot and cold because I haven’t sorted myself out,” he said, his voice sounding a bit strained, like he had been battling that same lump in his throat that you had dealt with earlier.

And that lump seemed to be reappearing as you felt your heart shatter, your head spinning as you sat there, hand on your knees as you stared at him, waiting for him to say he changed his mind, or that it was all a joke,  _anything_  to take the pain away. “Kyungsoo,” you whispered, placing your hand on his knee. “I love you,” you said tearfully, your hand slightly trembling as you looked into his eyes.

“I love you too,” he replied. “But I can’t be with you.”


	6. Chapter 6

Sleeping had become more of a challenge than a necessity, and you failed nearly every night, only falling asleep when a bit of sunlight began to spill into your room. Then, you’d sleep until midday, staying in bed for the most part, cruelly reminding yourself of his absence by going through old messages, which mostly consisted of “Can you make it today?” with the occasional “Nice work today.” Most of your conversations were phone calls while you were away from each other, and you’d do anything to hear him again.

You hadn’t been crying anymore; you were past that stage within a matter of days. And honestly, you preferred crying over not being able to let anything out no matter how desperately you wanted to. Crying helped ease you a bit; it would wear you out enough to get you to fall asleep, and at least then you’d have the perfect world to live in, even if sometimes it reflected reality a bit too closely. At least you could remind yourself that it was just a dream.

Constantly thinking about him wasn’t healthy, and you knew that for sure. But no matter how hard you’d try, you couldn’t get him out of your head. Sometimes, you’d feel the ghost of his fingertips brushing along your arm as you slept, faintly whispering in your ear. You weren’t ready to move on, but you had to; you couldn’t spend the rest of your life holed up in your room.

For the first time in a while, you stepped outside. Even with your thick sweater, the cold air seeped through, harshly beating against your skin as you tried to warm yourself up at least a little by sticking your hands in your pocket.

You took a few steps and realized that the atmosphere was calming. The setting sun, the sound of the wind, the falling leaves; the perfect recipe for relaxation. You walked around, a small smile now etched on your face as you looked at how puffy the clouds were, how they glowed a peach hue, and how you’d give anything to lay your head on one of them and clear your mind of all the thoughts that were distressing you.

You took seat at a nearby bench, sighing deeply once the birds scattered across the sky. You remembered Kyungsoo mentioning something about loving the look of dusk, and how he didn’t really get the chance to appreciate it. You wondered if he was looking at the sky just like you were, wondering the same thing as you.

Then you began to wonder where you’d be had you and him decided to move forward with an actual relationship. If by now you’d have your first actual date, or if he’d introduce you to his friends as something more than a casual sex partner, or if things would remain the same, only with a title.

You also wondered if he had already moved on; if his fingers were already laced between someone else’s, if he was proud to call them his to himself and the people around him, if he kissed them with more passion and love than he did with you, and if he’d completely forgotten that you were once a part of his life.

And now, as the sky changed from a soft radiance that seemed too beautiful to be real to a dark sky speckled with glowing white dots, you felt your eyes brimming with tears while the thought of some other person receiving what you’d unknowingly wanted for so long replayed in your head.

The air became harsher, so much so that it felt as if needles were prickling your skin as the wind blew against you. But you stayed there, listening to the whirring sound of the air with your eyes closed, hoping to feel some sort of comfort like you had earlier.

Instead, you’d felt like someone had been choking you; you could no longer breathe properly, and your body felt weak like you were about to pass out. You hurriedly made your way back home, immediately letting out a choked sob as you pressed your back against the front door.

It felt good to cry again. Although you didn’t feel every bit of tension and stress go away, you felt relieved knowing that the ability to cry hadn’t completely abandoned you.

You dragged your body towards your room, awkwardly stumbling around the darkness. Eventually, you plopped down on the bed, burying your face into your pillow while you felt shivers down your spine as you thought of his voice when he said he loved you; the same voice that told you he couldn’t be with you.

You were right from the beginning; relationships were hard. And you weren’t even in an official relationship with him.

A few more weeks went by, and you had been in the same state for the most part. You’d go outside sometimes and bask in the fresh air, but it would almost always end up with you in distress when you thought about how much you missed him, and how it killed you to not be able to talk to him.

You drove around in hopes of clearing your mind. The radio hummed faintly, playing a song that you vaguely recognized, but you weren’t quite sure where you heard it from. Whatever it was, it helped to calm your nerves a bit.

You found yourself pulling into a grocery store parking lot as if it was muscle memory. Sometimes, on your way back home from Kyungsoo’s, you’d stop there to pick up a quick snack, and you’d be on your way. It wasn’t as if the memory was strongly related to him, but the ambiguous thought was enough to momentarily cause your breathing to hitch.

You’d decided that staying there wasn’t the best choice; not when you were in this fragile state. But Instead, your eyes followed a tall man across the parking lot with messy brown locks flowing in the wind, his body hunched over as he tried to keep himself warm.

As he came closer, you tried to avert your eyes, but you couldn’t. Then his eyes met yours, and it took a while for him to realize exactly who you were. When he did, he made his way towards you, a small smile on his face.

You debated on whether or not you should’ve rolled down your window or drive off, but as he came even closer, you had no choice but to roll down the window, the cold air rushing in and blowing straight into your face.

You knew he saw the pained look in your eyes once you’d finally adjusted, but you still tried hard to paint a convincing enough smile, one that would be enough to stop him from asking questions. “Hi Jongin,” you greeted.

“Hello,” he said, giving you a shy wave. “Were you about to leave, or did you just get here?” he asked, cocking his head to the side, as if he was studying your features, looking for the flash of pain he’d seen before.

“I just got here,” you said with a nod. You sat there, awkwardly looking around with nothing else to say. It wasn’t as if you’d hit it off with him or Sehun at the arcade, and it didn’t help that you’d left crying with barely any explanation.

He shifted his weight and let out a huff of air, his hands stuffed in his pockets. “It’s really cold out here, and I don’t want to rush you, but I’m afraid I’ll freeze to death if I spend another second outside.”

“You’re waiting on me?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded with a small smile and stepped aside to allow room for you to come out. You didn’t waste much time getting out since it was clear that he was incredibly cold, and you both hurried into the grocery store.

“I want to apologize,” he said, scanning the isles for something as you followed along. “I judged you unfairly at first. I don’t know too much about you, but you seem like a nice person. Clearly, since you’re so important to Kyungsoo.”

It was only then that you realized that he didn’t know that you and Kyungsoo had broken up, so to speak. You had no idea why he didn’t disclose that to him, since they were apparently really close friends, but you had to break the news to him. “Have you spoken to him recently?”

He nodded, raising an eyebrow. “Yes. I’m supposed to be meeting him after this, actually. Why?”

It hurt every time you thought of the words, and you had no clue how much it would hurt to say it out loud. You never did, and maybe that’s what was holding you back. Maybe speaking the words to someone was the final stage to acceptance and letting him go completely. You took a deep breath, avoiding his eyes as you nervously played with your fingernails. “Me and Kyungsoo… We aren’t together anymore.”

His mouth hung open slightly, then he looked down, rolling a can in his hands as if he was trying to process the information. You strolled past him, trying to hold your tears in and focus on calming yourself down. Saying it out loud hurt even more than you expected. A  _lot_ more.

“You don’t have to pretend you want to be my friend anymore,” you nearly sobbed, your back still facing him.

“I’m not pretending,” he nearly shouted. “I’m just… shocked. After what he told me yesterday, I thought that things got serious between you two or something,” he explained. “How long ago was this?”

“It’s been a while now,” you sighed, turning to face him, your tears on the brink of falling. “W-We loved each other, but he wasn’t ready for a relationship. He didn’t want anything to get serious between us, and it’s… it hurts so much,” you barely managed to get out.

Suddenly, you felt a pair of arms enveloping you, accompanied by soothing pats on your back. “It’s alright; Everything will be okay,” he said gently. “I don’t know if it’s right to tell you what he said yesterday, but… I think it’s best for you to move on.”

You sighed, pulling away from him without saying another word. He didn’t have to say it for you to know; he had moved on. You knew it would happen, and even though you had vivid thoughts of him with someone else, you’d somehow fooled yourself into thinking that he’d take a few more months at least. “Maybe he didn’t love me,” you mumbled to yourself.

“That’s not—”

“Stop,” you sighed, walking past him. “I don’t want to hear anything else about him. I just… I’m leaving.”

You didn’t allow him the opportunity to say anything else; you just left him there, speeding away to your home and repeating the same teary-eyed cycle again. You were crying into a pillow, wondering why you had to fall in love with him and not some other person who felt the same way towards you completely. Because even if he did love you, it certainly wasn’t the mind-blowing, heart-bursting love that you had for him.

Another day had past, and you didn’t bother taking in the fresh air; partially because it was rainy, but mostly because you had lost all motivation to do so. No matter what you did, you couldn’t seem to shake him; watching movies didn’t help, cooking didn’t help, neither did cleaning. All it did was make you wish that he was doing these activities with you.

You could feel his arms around your waist as you cooked, his head rested on your shoulder as he spoke about whatever was on his mind, most likely his experience with certain foods or ingredients. It was adorable how he’d go on tangents without even noticing it, and you missed it so much.

But there was no more of that. Someone else got to hear him ramble about nothing, and got to feel his skin against theirs. He wasn’t yours anymore; he never was.

You heard your phone ringing from the other room, which was odd since you hadn’t received a single phone call in days. You cautiously picked it up, your heart immediately racing once you saw his name across the screen.

“I heard what happened at the grocery store,” he said, his deep voice vibrating throughout your body.

It didn’t surprise you, seeing as Jongin and Kyungsoo were close. You just didn’t expect to hear from him at all. You took a deep breath, trying to keep your voice stable. “Good to know,” you replied.

There was silence for a moment, then he finally spoke up. “You wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t know,” you sighed. “I’m not sure if it’s—”

“Nothing can be settled if you don’t give me a straight answer,” he interjected.

You were conflicted. Of course you wanted to talk to him, but you were afraid of what the result might be. Regardless, you knew he was right; even though you were almost completely sure he had moved on, you needed to get to the bottom of everything first. “Yes,” you decided.

“Alright then,” he said, clearing his throat afterwards. “I’m coming over.”

You panicked. You expected the conversation to be over the phone, but before you could protest, he had already hung up and you assumed that was already on his way.

You hadn’t put in the extra effort to prepare for him to come over, mainly because you didn’t see the point in pretending everything was alright when he saw right through you almost all the time. He knew you for who you were; you were fine when everything went smoothly, but you were a mess when things went sour, and you had no clue how maintain balance.

He made it within thirty minutes like he normally did, and when you opened the door, he nervously bounced on his heels, his lips sucked in before he pursed them a bit. “Hi,” he greeted with a small wave.

You stepped aside, gesturing for him to enter. He walked in and took his jacket off before sitting on the couch, looking around the room as if to see if anything had changed.

If you had the motivation earlier, you would have completely remodeled. It was already in your head and everything, but there was no reason to. No matter what you changed, it wouldn’t erase the fact that Kyungsoo was there at one point, and the memory of him was ingrained in each room.

“Let it out,” he spoke up, clasping his hands. “Anything that’s on your mind, anything that you’ve been bottling up. Even if you wanna tell me how much you hate me.”

You sighed and shook your head, taking a seat next to him. “I could never, and you know it,” you insisted. “I just… Have you moved on?” you asked, immediately regretting it once you heard him blow out air.

“I thought about going back, but…I couldn’t, I really couldn’t,” he sighed. “I can’t move on so fast from someone who’s consumed me in such a short time.” He stared straight in your eyes, the intensity enough to make you slightly uncomfortable. “If you think I don’t love you, you’re wrong. I know what love is, but this is… a lot. You know, considering we haven’t known each other that long,” he explained.

You nodded, taking a deep breath before you asked the next question. “What did you tell Jongin? The thing he said he didn’t think was right to tell me.”

“I said I was in love, but it’s complicated. After he heard that we broke up, he assumed I meant my ex,” he said, gripping your hand, the sheer electricity that you had missed shooting through your body again as he scooted closer to you. “Did you move on?” His voiced seemed as though he was trying to save face, like the question itself made him emotional but he didn’t want you to know.

You immediately shook your head. “Of course not. I can’t move on. Not when I can’t keep my mind off of you,” you sighed, rubbing the back of his hand with your thumb. “I should’ve just accepted us as casual sex partners. Maybe I’d still have you,” you mumbled.

“You’d be unhappy the whole time, and I wouldn’t wish that on you. You’d just be there waiting for me to confess while accepting any intimacy you could get and see what boundaries you could push, but you’d know in your heart that no matter how far you go, you still weren’t with me completely.” He sighed, biting his bottom lip as he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Sounds like you experienced it yourself,” you said, barely above whisper. “If that’s the case, if you’re sure of your feelings, why are things still unstable with you?”

He sighed, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. “Can I stay for the night?” he asked, completely avoiding your question. “For the last time; I promise.” When you responded with a slow nod, he smiled, pulling you in for hug. “It’s fear. Fear of getting too invested in something that could disappear in the blink of an eye,” he replied, rubbing soothing circles into your back.

You didn’t even know how to reply. You just embraced his warmth, your tears springing from your eyes once you felt him pull you closer. You missed him, but he was right; things were really too unstable. Having a relationship before he sorted out his feelings would only make things worse for both of you. He’d constantly dip in and out of the relationship, and you’d be left confused about where your relationship stood until he decided to come back.

You pulled away and wiped away your tears, letting out a nervous laugh. “For someone who claims to be straightforward, you sure are a complicated man,” you joked.

“You do that to me,” he smiled, shaking his head. “One day, I’ll get everything together; I promise.”

He sat there, silently staring at you with a small smirk on his face. Then, you felt his hand on the base of your neck, slowly pulling you in. As your eyes fell shut and you could feel his breath on your face, your heart raced, just the memory of his lips against yours filling you with anticipation.

He kissed you gently, as if he was afraid of what would happen if things went further. And truth be told, you were scared as well. You were scared of how much more devastated you’d be when he left in the morning after you had given him your body, how crushed you’d be when you didn’t hear from him again.

Because even when his internal turmoil was settled, you had a gut feeling that he’d either remain alone or pour his energy into someone else.

But tonight, he was yours and you were his. That was all that mattered as he laced his fingers between yours, unable to contain the smile on his face as he kissed you sweetly.


	7. Chapter 7

Being with Kyungsoo was like unlocking a life secret that no one had been hiding. You had the opportunity to meet an amazing person, be intimate with them, then be on your way without the expectations of a real relationship. It would have been amazing had you not stupidly fallen in love with each other.

You were awake, holding hands but refusing to get out of bed. Instead, you both silently stared at the ceiling, trying your best to prolong the moment you both knew would have to come eventually. “Will you miss me?” he asked quietly, squeezing your hand a bit tighter.

“No doubt,” you replied. You knew it would be hard to see dhim in the morning knowing he’d be gone. You hoped you could sleep through the moment, but it would have only hurt more to feel his absence without even a proper goodbye. You sighed, turning your body to fully to him. “Will you miss me?”

He nodded, pulling you into him. “As cheesy as it sounds, I already do,” he sighed before kissing the top of your head. “I love you,” he said glumly, yet with a small but genuine smile.

It was almost depressing to finally hear those words knowing that he’d be leaving soon. But you clung to them regardless, swallowing the lump in your throat before speaking again. “I love you too.” You rested your head on his chest. “So much.”

And as silent minutes ticked by, you both mentally prepared yourself for your separation.

Watching him leave your home was bittersweet. Feeling his lips against your forehead after hugging you tightly was enough to make your heart flutter intensely, but shutting the door after he had driven off broke your heart. Before you knew it, you were sitting on the floor, crying while also smiling at the memories you had made with him. If anyone had walked in on you, there was no doubt they’d think you were crazy.

Your time with Kyungsoo, despite the web of feelings that you had gotten caught up in, was truly the most fun you’d had in your entire life. For the first time, you’d felt free. You were free to make your own choices, and you hadn’t felt that in a long time before him. Even though his absence didn’t change that, it didn’t stop you from missing him any less.

As you closed your eyes, you remembered what he told you last night; that he’d get everything together. You didn’t exactly count on him ever coming back to you, and the thought of him with someone else made you uncomfortable, but just him being happy, whether or not he was with you, with someone else, or alone, was enough to motivate you to do the same.

The next day, you had still felt sad at the thought of him being gone potentially for good this time, but you started off the day well regardless. You had woken up early, showered, made a filling breakfast, and cleaned up a bit. However, by midday, you had been made to fully acknowledge the fact that he was gone when you got the chance to lie down for more than a few minutes in the same bed that you had shared the previous night, pouring out your feelings to each other.

You sighed, hugging your pillow tightly, but unsatisfied when you were met with coldness. You knew you’d miss him, and you knew it wouldn’t have been easy, but it was like a slap in the face to do so well in the morning, only to completely break down later on.

Maybe it was cruel dream. All those blissful moments, him holding you like he never wanted you to leave, him kissing you like you were his, him uttering those words; maybe they were simply figments of your imagination, created to make your eventual break up that much harder.

Everything around you was quiet, almost as if the entire world stood still, and all you could hear was the sound of your heart beating just enough to know that you were alive. It felt like your soul had been beaten within an inch of its life as you thought of the fact that he was gone, and that he wasn’t coming back.

You had thought earlier that you accepted it, but you were far from acceptance. You wanted to scream, you wanted to throw things against the wall, and then you wanted to just sleep until everything became foggy enough to seem like a cruel, vivid dream. But life wasn’t easy, and you knew that firsthand.

Heartbreak didn’t stop at just your heart. It was an empty but gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach that strangled your organs until you were gasping for air, begging for anything to take the pain away even though it felt like the only thing that could relieve it was the one person you couldn’t have. Then you began to wonder if it had felt the same stifling pain that you had felt. You had no idea if you found comfort or discomfort in the idea. On one hand, it meant that he hated this just as much as you did, but on the other hand, you would never hope for anyone to feel this level of pain. 

You a cried until you wore yourself out, waking up only when the sun had long settled under the horizon. In your delirious state, you slowly rose out of bed, your bones cracking with each movement. You hoped to see Kyungsoo somehow sitting on the couch, waiting for you to get up just so he could tell you face-to-face that he couldn’t go through with it. But instead, you met an empty house, reminding you once again that he was really gone. You didn’t cry this time. Instead you went to make dinner in hopes of distracting yourself enough.

And you did. The sound of pots, pans, and some music calmed your broken heart down enough for you to finally crack a smile. You weren’t over him in the slightest, and you knew that, but you found comfort in knowing that you could still find happiness in something as mundane as dancing and humming to yourself while cooking.

A week later, you had been recovering well, a lot more than you had expected to. You had carried on with life like normal, as if he was never there, actively trying to forget him, but still allowing those thoughts to cross your mind when they needed to. You had learned already that shutting the memory out was almost like invitation for it to come back and viciously drag you by your feet. Everything would be fine if you continued down this path long enough to not feel like something was missing anymore.

You weren’t watching movies or going outside an abnormal amount just to get over him. You were cleaning, sleeping, going grocery shopping; your normal routine before you ever met him. You were no longer waiting around for a text or a phone call or preparing to meet him.

You had just finished making dinner, and you were ready to settle onto the couch to catch up on some TV shows and fall asleep. As soon as you turned on the TV, you were hit with a wave of memories when you saw a couple sitting in a restaurant, similar to the one that you had been to with Kyungsoo.

It was your unofficial first date, the one where he had begun to shut himself off once it was assumed that you were a couple, only to open himself back up a few minutes later. The one where he held you close to him while watching a movie afterwards, one you couldn’t even remember now, but you could vividly remember the way his skin felt against yours, how his warmth heated up your otherwise chilled and half-naked body, and how he held you tighter and kissed the top of your head every time you squeaked at the sight of something scary. It was also the same night you had slept at his house for the first time because you were concerned about him being too tired to drive, and he was too concerned about you being in a taxi so late at night. The memory was strong enough to cause your stomach to flip, but not strong enough for you to forget that it was nothing  _but_  a memory, and that you had lived in a vastly different reality now.

Maybe it was an act of weakness. Maybe it was your vulnerability overtaking you. Whatever it was, it had possessed you to dial his number for a reason unknown to you. Nearly everything inside you was fighting, telling you to hang up, reminding you that nothing good would come out of talking to him. Yet, there was one, microscopic part that was strong enough to will your body into completing the task, telling you that a phone call was all you needed to push things in the right direction, and that he missed you just as much and talking to him would bring you back together.

“Hello?” he answered, his voice soft, enough to calm you down a bit.

Hearing his voice made you realize that you had no idea what to say. You obviously didn’t want to just air out everything; he’d heard your thoughts about the situation enough times for him to never forget. You sighed, swallowing the lump in your throat. “I, um… I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

His sigh told you he was as much of a mess as you were, and it didn’t bring you much comfort knowing it. “Fine… I’m fine,” he declared. “I’m kind of busy, though, so I’ll call you back later if you want.”

Maybe calling him was a bad idea, because you’d never known Kyungsoo to ever be busy, at least not to the point of not being able to talk on the phone. You sighed, feeling defeated and, strangely enough, relieved. Just as you were about stumble out something else, something along the lines of ‘I understand,’ you heard an unfamiliar voice in the background. And all you felt was your heart dropping, your stomach folding ten times over as you listened to the voice in the background with Kyungsoo’s silence, which you could only assume was from him listening intently.

You weren’t sure who it was; it could have been his ex, a completely different girl, or even his mother. In fact, it could just be the TV. Regardless, it wasn’t your business; it never was. He never belonged to you, and you never belonged to him, and you had no right to feel this way. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to speak in a way that wouldn’t clue him off to your distress. “You don’t have to, but… c-can I have Jongin’s number?” you asked, although you didn’t know exactly why.

“Jongin?” you could tell he wanted to say something else, so you didn’t bother to reply. It may have also had something to do with the fact that you couldn’t make up a reason for wanting it. You heard a sigh, followed by him mumbling something that you couldn’t make out. “I knew you two talked a little bit, but I didn’t know you were getting that close.”

“If it’s too awkward, you don’t have to,” you assure him. Anything to get off of the phone call that you had stupidly brought upon yourself.

“No, It’s fine,” he sighed. “Even if I was your boyfriend, you could still talk to whoever you want, start relationships with whoever you want… But I’m not your boyfriend, and I never was,” he said, the last part sounding more like a message to himself rather than for you. “I’ll text it to you, don’t worry about it.”

He hung up the phone, and shortly after, you received a message with Jongin’s number; a number that you had no idea what to do with, while the thought of him being with someone else ate you alive. It hadn’t been too long since you had decided to end things, and you couldn’t help but wonder if whoever it was; if there was even anyone; was there that night he slept over, when he reminded you how much he loved you. You wondered if ‘fear’ was just a cover up for the fact that he’d already fallen into the arms of another, graciously accepting whatever affection they gave him, and returning it tenfold.

Maybe they weren’t there, but they were there in his heart. Maybe every ‘I love you’ that slipped past his lips was directed at someone else, someone that couldn’t be there because of you. Or maybe, he had been truthful this whole time, but fell deeply for someone quickly enough for them to get what you had wanted; what you had both wanted, apparently.

You hated what a jealous person you had become.

Jongin’s number sat on your phone for a week before you had even considered talking to him. It took you an embarrassingly long time for you to realize you could have asked him if Kyungsoo had moved on rather than coming up with outlandish scenarios that probably weren’t true. On the other hand, you knew the news would go straight back to him, and you didn’t want him to know that you cared. You didn’t want him to know how badly the jealously had been swallowing you up.

Then again, you needed to know; you needed to hear someone tell you that he had moved on so at least you could have the motivation to get over him. Just thinking he had wasn’t enough, and it was obvious. All you were doing was wallowing in sadness and anger.

So, you started off with a simple hello, and you waited for him to respond.

**Jongin [11:07]:**

_Kyungsoo told me to expect you, but I didn’t think it’d take this long._

You took a deep breath, typing out your message. You put it all the details, explaining how you had heard someone while you were on the phone with him, how you tried to ignore it but your thoughts were sending you mad, and how you didn’t want to ask him directly in fear of overstepping boundaries, and asked if he could not tell him that you were asking. It was now or never.

But as you stared at the message, you erased it, deciding that hearing that he had moved on also had the potential of doing more harm. So instead, you texted him a simple ‘never mind’ and placed your phone down. It simply wasn’t worth it, and it felt odd to use his friend as some sort of fly on the wall to siphon his information to someone who never even had a serious relationship with him.

**Jongin [11:09]:**

_Did you want to talk to me about him? Because if you do, I understand._

As understanding as he was, you simply weren’t ready to get into that with him, knowing how pathetic you had sounded, even to yourself. Though, you did want to talk about it, you did need to vent desperately, but you’d rather do it with someone as far removed from the situation as possible.

No matter how hard you tried, no matter how much progress you made, you had seemed to be slipping back. Getting over him was essentially as hard as climbing up a greasy pole, and you were giving up hope. You were ready to accept the fact that you’d always be in love with Kyungsoo, and that he’d always have a reason for not wanting to be with you.

Your only option was to be alone. There was nothing wrong with it; at least that’s what you wanted to believe. It was true, but there was something in your mind telling you that it wasn’t, that you’d always be unhappy if you were alone or without him, even though you also knew that you were fine before you had even met him.

In the back of your mind, you had already known, but it took a while for the thought to be pushed to the forefront of your mind; that thinking like this was unhealthy. Depending on him for happiness was unhealthy. Constantly focusing on the soft voice in the background was unhealthy. And regardless of how long it took, even if it required therapy, you needed to snap out of it so you could live a normal, happy life.

After many false starts, you had really felt in your heart that this attempt would be the one to finally turn things around. And to start, you had deleted Kyungsoo’s number.


	8. Chapter 8

Kyungsoo had barely slept as he watched you toss and turn throughout the night. How could he, when all he could do was compare how hard it was for you to sleep now to when you had looked so peaceful in his arms the very first time you slept over? He remembered how his heart had fluttered every time you snuggled closer to him, how he’d open his eyes periodically and leave soft kisses on the top of your head. He also remembered when he had quietly told you he loved you, and how he had a dream about you and him living together, you lying on his lap as you talked about your future. It had become a recurring dream, and now it only left a bitter taste in his mouth, knowing that it was ruined simply because of the timing and how horribly he handled it.

He wondered how hard it’d be this time to leave you. But more importantly, he wondered how hard it’d be to not come back and make things harder for both of you. It was hell to leave you the last time; he didn’t know it would hurt him that much. He didn’t know that it would actually bring him to tears as he pictured your face over and over again.

By the time the sunlight had begun to spill into the room, he was exhausted. His eyes felt raw, like tiny stones were on his eyeballs every time he blinked, but all he could focus on was how right it felt to have your hand in his, how comfortable he felt lying next to you. You had been awake for a while now, but you’d just been lying there silently, staring up at the ceiling while he thought of how much he didn’t want to leave, but how much more it’d hurt you if you knew the full extent of what was going on.

“Will you miss me?” he asked quietly. He didn’t realize he was holding your hand a little tighter until he caught you looking down at it.

“No doubt.” Hearing your answer comforted him a little bit, but not enough to make him forget what was happening. You turned your body fully into him, looking straight into his eyes. Looking at your tear-streaked face made a lump form in his throat, but he swallowed it down, trying to fight back tears. “Will you miss me?” you asked softly.

“As cheesy as it sounds, I already do,” he said, sighing as he pulled you into him. He missed how happy you were, how melodic your laugh sounded when he made a joke that wasn’t even funny. He missed your smile the very first time he took you out on a date, and how comfortable he felt when you laid your head on his chest. He sighed, his brows furrowed as he looked at you. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you said, your head resting on his chest. His heart fluttered again, and he sighed, closing his eyes to bask in the moment. “So much.”

He just wished being in love was easy. Being in love wasn’t enough to fix everything. It wasn’t enough to erase his past, to make it so he was never attached to someone else, and let you meet under different circumstances.

When he left, he didn’t cry. Instead, he had felt a hollowness in his chest, and he struggled to breathe. It was like the world was closing in around him, even though he knew he could live without you; he just didn’t want to. He wondered what would happen if he turned around right now. If you’d take him back and forgive him for all the pain he’d caused you, or if you’d reject him. But he knew it wouldn’t do either of you any good regardless of the outcome, so he just silently begged for the pain to stop the entire way home.

He thought sleeping would help, maybe he’d have that dream of you again. Unfortunately, the dream ended differently this time; the future was you and him eventually divorcing, bitterly ending how he’d feared this entire time. He had woken up with his heart racing, tears streaming down his face. He struggled to catch his breath, and he realized that there was no escape anymore.

So, he called Jongin and Sehun over in hopes of them temporarily distracting him. Of course, he was certain that nothing would make him completely forget, at least not yet, but being around people would force him to not wallow in his sadness too much at the very least.

He knew from the moment they had stepped in that they were concerned about him. They eyed him carefully the whole time, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it without making him hurt too much. Jongin was the first one speak, patting his shoulder while giving him a sympathetic look. “Still torn up over her?” he asked.

Kyungsoo nodded slowly, sinking further down onto the couch. It was expected; it hadn’t even been a day since everything happened. He needed a lot more time to adjust to the thought of being without you.

“Why is he torn up over her?” Sehun asked, sitting on the couch next to him. “Didn’t you say you weren’t anything but—”

“I lied, obviously,” he sighed, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of that lie. Even if he couldn’t admit it to himself, you were always more than just sex. Even when you were just a stranger dancing with him, even when he could barely hear a word you were saying over the loud music.

Jongin shook his head, focusing his attention on Sehun. “Basically, he loves her, but it can’t work out because he’s still sort of involved with Seolhyun,” he explained.

Kyungsoo winced hearing the name again. Not because he hated her; it’s just that they went through a lot together, and things weren’t as clear between them as he wanted it to be.

“Okay, now I’m even more confused,” Sehun spoke up. “Didn’t you say you were done with Seolhyun for good this time?”

“I’ve said that over a million times already, Sehun,” he sighed, throwing his head back, staring up at the roof. “At this point, I don’t even know if we’ll ever not be together. Break ups clearly mean nothing to either of us.”

“If you love this girl so much, why are you still kind of involved with Seolhyun? Don’t you think that’s counterproductive?”

Kyungsoo had asked himself the same question over and over until it drove him mad. And the answer is yes; it was counterproductive. It was ridiculous to have someone else in his life when all he wanted was you, but there was something about Seolhyun that kept him there, something that made him feel guilty and disgusted at the thought of leaving her for good, yet not as awful as the feeling of doing this to you when he knew things could be so much easier. He sighed, brows furrowed as spoke. “I’ve been with Seolhyun for such a long time. She knows the flaws that I’d normally try my hardest to keep from anyone else, and she’s familiar.” A lump formed in his throat, so he tried to swallow it down to explain even further. “Every time we break up, it’s awful, but she’s the same person I considered marrying at some point. It’s not so easy to just cut it off like she didn’t mean something to me. Plus, I’m used to arguing with her, and I’d rather do it with her than to get my hopes up with someone else only for it to be the same thing.”

“So, you’re scared? You’d rather continue with an obviously dead-end relationship because you’re too scared of what might happen with someone else, someone that you claim to love?” Sehun summarized, his annoyance clear in his tone.

“Essentially.” Hearing it like that didn’t make him realize how stupid it was, because he already knew it for himself. And that was the point of leaving; to sort himself out, to make it so that there’d be nothing holding him back if he decided to go back to you or move on to someone else.

“That’s... Idiotic. You know that, right?” Sehun said, shaking his head in disappointment.

“I agree,” Jongin chimed in. “You might have your reasons, but none of this makes sense to anyone else.”

Kyungsoo sighed, rubbing the top of his head. “Seolhyun and I started off perfectly, and then things slowly got worse. With her... it didn’t exactly start off perfectly, but from the moment I saw her, I felt a tug in my heart like she was supposed to mean something, and now she does. She means a lot to me, much more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’d be ten times more devastated if we ended up bickering and breaking up constantly.”

He knew with the way they exchanged looks that they had given up on trying to talk some sense into him, because there was honestly no quick fix to the problem. Although the solution seemed so simple; break up with Seolhyun for good and go back to you; it truly wasn’t that simple in his head. Breaking up with Seolhyun didn’t mean that they were actually broken up, ever. It just meant they were on a break, and that they’d always come back to each other. Always.

The hollowness in his chest didn’t let up by the next day. He thought about you a lot; holding your hand, your tears falling on his chest as he assured you that he’d always be there for you. He wished he could be the man his thoughts wanted him to be, but life was never that clear cut.

Then she showed up, interrupting his thoughts. He wasn’t surprised when she popped up; not in the slightest. It was part of the tumultuous cycle that he had grown accustomed to.

She stood there, eyes brimming with tears before she quickly wrapped her arms around him for a bone-crushing hug. He held her after a moment of hesitation, staring straight ahead as she sniffles on his chest. “I missed you,” she said tearfully, but he didn’t respond, at least not with words.

He wondered if he should end things right there. It’s what his gut was telling him to do, but there was something, an invisible force keeping his mouth shut. Maybe it was because he knew just saying it wouldn’t end thing completely, but it really didn’t matter anymore. He just felt guilty stringing her along when his heart belonged to you.

“Are things over between you now?”

He nodded, sighing heavily as he stepped away from her. “Yes, but that doesn’t fix us,” he said, looking her straight in the eyes. “It would take a lot of work to fix...whatever this is.”

“You’re right, but this was at least the first step,” she said, her voice a bit quiet as she spoke.

“If I’m being honest, there really is no first step. We’re doomed to be a mess as long as we stay together,” he said bitterly.

She raised an eyebrow and quickly shook her head. “We’ve been together through thick and thin, Kyungsoo. I’m sure we can get through this too. I can’t even blame you for going to someone else.”

“I’m in love with her,” he admitted to her for the first time, but he immediately felt guilty once he saw the way her face fell. He sighed, gazing into her eyes. “I don’t regret being with you, and it wasn’t awful all the time. Don’t think that I never loved you. In fact, I still do.”

She stood there silently, chewing her lip as her brows furrowed. “Can we...can we at least try? At least for a little while?” she asked quietly, the desperation laced in her voice.

He was in her shoes at some point; desperate to cling to the relationship because it was the only thing he felt fully at home with. He was used to being himself with her; the mask he had put up with everyone else was nonexistent when it came to her. And even though he felt like she hated who he truly was to some extent, they’d always circle back to each other without fail, and that was the security he wanted. “I’ll give it a shot,” he said with a nod. He pulled her into him, placing a kiss on her forehead, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty doing so.

As he stood there, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He assumed that maybe it was Jongin or Sehun, but when he pulled it out and saw your name on this screen, his heart immediately began pounding.

He pulled himself away from her and instantly picked up, eyes getting a bit teary once he heard your voice. “I, um... I just wanted to see if you were alright.”

He sighed, thinking of how he was far from alright, and how much he wished he could be with you right now. His throat felt tight, and he tried not to sniffle as he spoke. “Fine... I’m fine,” he lied, biting his lip afterwards. He looked over to Seolhyun and saw the annoyance her face, and he knew he’d have to cut the conversation short. “I’m kind of busy, though, so I’ll call you back later if you want.”

“I know it’s her, Kyungsoo,” Seolhyun said, the hurt in her voice making him feel even more guilty.

He paused, taking a deep breath to speak again, but you beat him to it. “You don’t have to, but… c-can I have Jongin’s number?”

“Jongin?” His heart sank, the thought of you and Jongin possibly being together swarming his thoughts. It made him feel like uneasy, and he felt anger bubbling in his stomach, wondering why his best friend would betray him like that. It had only faded once he realized that it was only a product of his own imagination. He sighed, shaking his head. “Why the hell would you want his number then?” he asked under his breath, more to himself rather than you. He finally calmed down enough to speak, but he couldn’t get rid of the pain he had felt in his chest. “I knew you talked a bit, but I didn’t know you were that close.” He wondered if you could sense the bitterness and hurt in his voice, and silently hoped that you didn’t.

“If it’s too awkward, you don’t have to.”

“No, it’s fine,” he sighed, a lump forming in his throat. “Even if I was your boyfriend, you could still talk to whoever you want, start relationships with whoever you want… But I’m not your boyfriend, and I never was.” It took him awhile to realize he was saying his thoughts out loud, and he silently cursed himself, squeezing his eyes shut as he shook his head. “I’ll text it to you, don’t worry about it.”

After texting the number to you, he immediately called Jongin, the phone ringing too many times for his liking. When he finally picked up, he had to let out air that he didn’t realize he was holding in. “You don’t have anything going on with...you know who, right?” he glanced over to Seolhyun quickly to make sure she was still alright, then refocused on the conversation. “Because she just asked me for your number.”

“Of course not,” he answered immediately. “I know how much you love her; I’d never do anything like that to you,” he assured him.

His chest calmed down, and he breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “If she contacts you, please tell me what she says.” His voice was desperate, pleading, and he couldn’t believe how important it was to him.

“I promise.”

It has taken a week for Jongin to get back to him about you, and it didn’t help to ease his mind in the slightest. “Well... what did she say to you?” he asked, nervously biting his fingernail.

“Nothing, but... It felt like she wanted to talk about you. She just said never mind, and that was it,” he said with a shrug. “I think she’s just as hurt as you are, if not more.”

“Since when are you good at reading people?” Kyungsoo asked, smiling slightly even though true emotions were nothing but sadness.

“I’m not, but it’s obvious. And I won’t say it’s your fault, but—”

“Yes, I know,” he sighed. “Would it be even more stupid of me to talk to her again? And, you know, tell her the whole truth and how I really feel?”

Jongin nodded, but ended with a shrug. “It’s up to you to figure out the best move, but I think knowing would hurt her even more.”

So, he left you alone. And for a few weeks, he’d been slowly managing to get back into the groove of life, no longer wallowing in his sadness like before. He was far from one hundred percent, but at least he hadn’t been as down as he was before.

But, that was only during the day, when he had Seolhyun to distract him. At nights, even when she was peacefully sleeping beside him, he slipped right back down again, chest heavy, tears sliding down his face as he clenched he jaw while staring up at the roof.

He couldn’t accept that he had lost you; he couldn’t accept that it was the end, even if he was the one to bring it about. But, most of all, he couldn’t accept that he was the one who hurt you, who caused you so much pain when he wanted nothing more than to have you smiling until your cheeks hurt.

He found himself reaching for his phone, dialing your number as he took shaky breaths. His stomach was in knots just by thought of hearing your voice again, and he had no idea if it’d make him happy, or if it’d destroy him even more.

But he never found out; you sent his call straight to voicemail, and although it hurt, it made him think things through.

He couldn’t have life both ways. He couldn’t push you away and keep you at arm’s length until things were rough between him and Seolhyun. It wasn’t fair for him to keep hurting you, only to leave you again when he got wrapped up and confused. He couldn’t keep giving you false hope when he still had Seolhyun hanging over his head, and he knew it.

He lied down on his bed and closed his eyes, slinging his arms around. If he couldn’t have you, he’d at least try his hardest to make this one better.


	9. Chapter 9

Waking up and coming back to reality had gotten a lot easier over the past few months. You didn’t hate the idea of living without him anymore; you had gotten used to it. Sure, you missed him a lot, but you weren’t broken over losing him anymore. It was in the past and you had accepted it; you just weren’t meant to be together and that was it. You were just happy to finally be genuinely happy with life again, and you knew you’d have bad days, but you tried to focus on living in the present.

You took walks every day to clear your mind. It was refreshing to breathe in fresh air, to take in your surroundings, taking in the beauty of things you had never noticed before. But there was one beautiful thing that caught your attention that particular day, one that you were far too familiar with.

You had to stop and look as your heart sank. He was being dragged along by a girl you had never seen before, and he had a look of playful annoyance on his face before it turned into a bright smile, one that he had previously reserved for you. You caught him looking in your direction, and you had no clue if he had seen you or not, but you weren’t willing to find out.

You continued walking, a pang in your heart causing you to wince slightly. But, you weren’t going to let that one experience ruin your progress, the progress you had worked tirelessly and painfully to make. So, you smiled. And even though it was fake, you knew it was better to do so rather than accept negativity with open arms.

Another month had passed, and you had almost completely forgotten about seeing him that day. You were in a grocery store, one that you used to frequent when you were with Kyungsoo, but it didn’t have that significant of an attachment to him anymore. You never spent too long there anyway; you just bought maybe one or two things and left, and that was that.

Then, as if to test you, you saw him again, hand in hand with the same girl you had seen dragging him along the other day. He wasn’t smiling this time, though he didn’t look unhappy either; just comfortable. A lump formed in your throat, and it took you a while to realize your eyes were following them, though you couldn’t bring yourself to snap out of it and look away.

Her voice sounded familiar, like the one you’d heard on the phone, and you tried to stop yourself from crying in the middle of the aisles. You didn’t want to draw any attention to yourself; you just wanted to get your stuff and leave as fast as you could without him noticing you.

You turned your back to them as they got closer to you, grabbing the nearest thing to you to make it seem like you couldn’t feel your heart racing, like your knees weren’t weak as you heard their voices getting closer.

But it was all over when he called your name. You pretended you didn’t hear him at first, but he tapped your shoulder, forcing you to face him after all those months.

He looked just as handsome as before, lips curled into a small smile as he looked at you. As if you were just an old friend, when he was so much more to you. You felt yourself slipping back to your old way of thinking, so you took a deep breath, painting a smile on your face as you looked him up and down, his beautiful scent hitting you, bringing back memories that made things that much harder for you.

The girl next to him looked between both of you, eyebrow raised as if she was trying to figure out where he could possibly know you from. And although you hadn’t seen her either, you had a feeling you knew who she was to him.

“Wow,” he said, his voice quiet as his eyes roam up and down your body. You looked around, but then he raised his eyebrow, looking down at your hand. “Don’t you hate that brand?”

You nodded, laughing nervously as you placed it back down. “I, um… I was just looking,” you stuttered.

You both stood there, gazing into each other’s eyes, and you feel your heart race, the world disappearing around you like it always did when you looked into his eyes. Then you realized, no matter how long you were apart, your feelings would never dull in the slightest. And the thought of that didn’t make you feel better, especially as his girlfriend gripped his hand, clearly uncomfortable with that was going on between you.

He cleared his throat and looked to her, bending down to whisper in her ear. She hesitated for moment, then left, leaving you alone with him. You stare at each other for another moment, before he looked behind him briefly, then stepped closer to you. “Why didn’t you answer my call?” he said just loud enough for you to hear, the hurt evident in his voice.

“It was the best decision for both of us,” you replied, trying your hardest not to look in his eyes.

He sighed and nodded, looking around the aisle. “I missed you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your shoulder. “I really, really, did.”

You had missed him so much, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to admit it just yet. Instead, you shook your head and sighed. “You have a girlfriend, Kyungsoo. I don’t think she’d like this,” you reminded him. He bit his lip and nodded, shrugging before looking over your head. You figured it would be the right time to ask, now that he was right in front of you. “She’s the one I heard on the phone, isn’t she?” He looked confused for a moment, but then he nodded, confirming your suspicions.

If your heart didn’t already hurt, hearing that was definitely the one to make it crumble. You covered it up with a smile, letting out a small sigh as you looked around. You had more questions to ask, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to know the answer. But, you sucked it up and took a deep breath, looking straight in his eyes.

“She’s the girl you were in love with, right?” He nodded again, and you felt  your tears coming closer to the surface. You had to go; you couldn’t stay there with him, knowing that everything you wanted from him went to her, that you weren’t enough to be his. And you couldn’t even blame her; even when he was with you, he had always belonged to her obviously. You turned on your heel a waved to him, unable to stutter out a weak ‘congratulations.’

But before you could, you feel his hand around your wrist, pulling you back to him, your chest bumping into his body before you quickly took a step back. He stared into your eyes, before slowly reaching over to brush some hair out of your face. “I still love you,” he mumbled, voice laced with desperation. “But despite that, we can…we can be friends, right?”

You shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut as a single tear slid down your face. “I love you too, Kyungsoo, but we can’t,” you sighed. “You clearly haven’t fixed what was stopping us from being together in the first place, so it’s pointless to pursue anything.”

He sighed, nodding before letting you go. “I understand.” And just as you were about to leave again, you heard his voice. “Are you still single? Have you found anyone else?”

You debated on lying, wanting to see if it’d crush him as much as seeing him with someone else crushed you. You wanted to know if he’d finally understand how much him standing in front of you while he had a girlfriend was hurting you. But instead, you opted to tell the truth. “I’m not seeing anyone,” you replied. Half of you wanted to scream that you were single because you still weren’t over him, but you left it alone.

“Babe? I can’t find the soda you wanted.”

Kyungsoo’s hand immediately held hers, like it was a habit, but he looked at you and let it go, clearing his throat. “Well, um… I guess we’ll go to another store.”

He gave you a short wave, turning to leave, but she quickly grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks. “Wait, aren’t you—”

“Yes, she is, Seolhyun,” Kyungsoo said, annoyance laced in his voice.

“Oh…” You stood there uncomfortably, the smile on Seolhyun’s face clearly showing discomfort as well. “I, um… I hope you know that I don’t hate you or anything. In fact, I’d like to get to know you.”

In sync, you and Kyungsoo both raised an eyebrow. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but he said nothing, instead shaking his head as he looked around the aisle. “You do? Even after…”

“Yes. It’s in the past, right?”

You slowly nodded, even though you knew it was far from the truth, at least in your heart. Even if he might not have loved you, at least not as much as before, you unfortunately still loved him with everything, even after not seeing or hearing from him in a few months.

“Well, good,” she said with a nod, glancing at Kyungsoo quickly before returning her eyes to you. “Well, we don’t have much time on our hands, so I’ll cut to the chase; how about a double date?”

Without another thought, you quickly shook your head. Had it been anyone else, you’d agree. But not with them. You didn’t know if you had enough strength to sit there with them for hours, watch him give her what you’d wanted. “Oh, no, I don’t have anyone to go with. But, thanks for the offer.”

“That’s perfect, actually. I have a friend who’s looking to date, and you’re his exact type.”

Kyungsoo’s body stiffened, his brows furrowed as he looked at you as if he was begging you not to say yes. Maybe he’d understand, at least to a smaller to extent. And normally, you’d be against it, but it truly did seem like a good idea the more you thought about it. “Sounds good. I’ll do it.”

“You will?” he asked, his mouth slightly opened as he stated into your eyes, as if trying to figure out if you were serious or not. You slowly nodded, then he bit his lip, looking around before painting a smile on his face. “Well, I… I guess I’ll see you there.”

They waved to you, Seolhyun gripping his hand tightly as they walked off. You hated the way your heart burned looking at them, the way you felt a jealous rage building up inside your body. But, you hoped that maybe things would turn around for you soon, and that you’d feel that happiness you had felt before, with or without seeing him.

For some reason, the address Kyungsoo sent to you had stuck out for some reason, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it. It had been bothering all day, up until you had finally gotten there and realized what restaurant it was.

The same place you had your first date with Kyungsoo.

As soon as you spotted it, you felt your stomach curl at the thought of sitting at the same table with Kyungsoo and Seolhyun, watching them gaze at each other lovingly when you only had the memory of what you had with Kyungsoo, the memory that you held onto for the longest time, of him giving you just a glimpse of what you could’ve had with him.

You sucked in a deep breath, ignoring your stinging eyes as you made your way inside. But seeing them nearly knocked the wind out of you. The waiter had just come up to them, handing Kyungsoo a rose while Seolhyun beamed at him, bringing it up to her nose before throwing her arms around his shoulder.

It was too much to handle, remembering how distant he’d gotten when the waiter mentioned the possibility of him giving you a rose. You’d decided to turn around and pretend you got lost; whatever excuse you could come up with to avoid seeing them.

But before you could, Kyungsoo spotted you, lips curling into a smile as he walked towards you. You pretended that you weren’t shaken up, that you didn’t wish that you were with him instead of her.

He stood in front of you, placing his hands on your shoulder as his eyes travelled along your body, finally meeting your eyes, his expression softening as he lightly tapped your cheek. “You look beautiful,” he said quietly, his smile turning into a frown shortly after. “I, um…I bet he’ll think so too.”

He sighed, hand on your lower back as he guided you towards the table. Something felt strangely intimate with his hand on you, but you couldn’t tell if he interpreted it the same way or not. As he sat down next to Seolhyun, his demeanor contrasted how happy he looked when he hadn’t noticed you before, and you wondered if it was because he was jealous.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” she asked, lightly nudging him. He responded by shaking his head, slouching down as he scanned the menu. Instead of fussing, she shrugged, turning her attention to you. “Anyway, I’m glad you could make it. Kyungsoo’s taken me here so many times, and I thought it would be an amazing place for a double date.”

You both quickly glanced at each other before he cleared his throat, placing his menu down in front of him. You couldn’t believe he’d do this, but you knew it was your fault for allowing yourself to come here for something as petty as making him jealous. He nodded, taking a deep breath to calm yourself down. “Yeah, it’s, um…really romantic.”

The silence was awkward, everyone shifting in their seats, waiting for someone to do something, to say something. Then, just in time, your date showed up, grabbing the seat next to you as he greeted the rest of the table, before finally sticking his hand out for a handshake. “Wow…Seolhyun said you’d be my type, but I didn’t think you’d match it exactly.”

He was handsome; dark, luscious hair, round eyes, lips on the plump side. He was nearly like Kyungsoo, but not exactly, but you didn’t care how he looked. “Thank you,” you mumbled, giving him a small smile before placing your hand in his.

“My name is Jongtak, by the way.” His smile was alluring, but not in the same way as Kyungsoo’s; his made your heart flutter, his made you walk towards him mindlessly. Just like a magnet. Jongtak’s smile made you feel nothing more than a tiny amount of excitement.

“You can get a free rose for her. The waiter already came, but I think you can ask for a rose when he gets back,” Seolhyun spoke up, waving her rose around as she spoke. “Which, I hope is soon, because I’m sure you’re all hungry.”

When he handed you the rose, he did so with such enthusiasm, and you were flattered. Yet, it was overshadowed when Seolhyun placed a small kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek. He complimented you, called you beautiful a dozen times, all while being clearly flustered, yet your focus was on Kyungsoo kissing her hand absentmindedly.

It was torture just thinking of him having sex with other people. It was even more hard to think about him loving someone else. But, it was even more painful to witness him being in love with someone right in front of you, the same person he tossed you aside for. Not just love; the comfortable type of love you wanted with him. The love where you were so used to them that acts of affection came naturally, but didn’t feel any less genuine.

They were all laughing; someone had made a joke, but you were so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you didn’t hear it. You smiled a bit, letting out a small huff of air before looking down at your almost empty plate. You weren’t full, but the lump in your throat made it impossible to eat, and even to breathe.

You had to get away, just for a little while. You excused yourself, saying that you just needed fresh air for a bit.

Feeling the wind against your face was almost instantly soothing, like it blew your stress along with it. You’d nearly forgotten how agonizing it was to sit there with them. You just wished you could enjoy your time with Jongtak, but it just felt disingenuous. He was sweet, charming, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be interested in anyone but Kyungsoo.

“Are you alright?”

You turned around and saw him standing there, concern written on his face as he slowly reached to touch your shoulder, hesitating a bit before finally letting it rest there, the familiar electricity coursing through your veins as you gazed into each other’s eyes. You couldn’t help but feel like you did before, when there was just you and him, and you were ready to forget everything and just fall into his arms like you were his.

“I know you did this to make me jealous,” he said, stepping a little bit closer to you.

“Did it work?”

“It might have,” he sighed, finally pulling you into him, your head on his chest as his heart pounded. Yours felt the same way, yet you felt even more relaxed being with him, like you were meant to be there. And you knew that as soon as the harsh reality set in, it’d crush you even more, but you just wanted to live in the moment, hold on to it as tight as you could until it inevitably slipped through your fingers.

He pulled away, but his hands only left your body for a second. He caressed your face, thumb brushing your cheek softly while his other hand was on your waist. It was wrong, and you knew it; but you wanted it, even if he was just temporary.

“Do you remember the first time we came here?” he asked quietly, your heart fluttering with every word he spoke.

“Of course I do,” you replied. “It was beautiful, and I enjoyed every second. I can see why anyone else would,” you said bitterly, sighing as your eyes began to sting a little.

“It was one of the best nights of my life,” he said, lifting your chin up to look at him. “I’m so sorry I ruined everything.”

“You know what? It’s fine. I guess…it happened for a reason,” you sighed. “I was just a pawn to make you realize how much you really loved Seolhyun.”

“What?” he asked, his tone giving off a hint of offence. “I genuinely love you. I love you so much. I’d never lie about that.”

“You might, but that doesn’t mean your love for Seolhyun isn’t even more,” you said, swallowing down the lump in your throat, reality finally catching up to you again. “You said you’ve been with her for years. If I was really enough for you, I’d be the one getting that rose, holding your hand in nearly empty grocery stores, tugging you along on the street while we laughed with each other,” you sighed, shaking your head to ward off your tears, but they fell anyway. “Instead, I’m outside of the place we had our first date, trying to delude myself into thinking that it’s just me and you, when the reality is your girlfriend of god knows how many years is waiting for you to come back, and some guy that looks scarily like you is in there thinking that we might go somewhere when I can’t even begin to imagine myself with anyone but you. And it fucking hurts.”

“Listen,” he said softly, hands caressing your neck, thumbs brushing against your lips. “I love you. I’m really sorry that I can’t fix things right now. And if I had it my way, it’d just be you.”

“Don’t say that. You’ll just go back inside and pretend this never happened, sitting happily with Seolhyun like we weren’t confessing our love for each other for the millionth time,” you said, shaking your head.

Then, the world halted as his soft lips crashed against yours, and you forgot everything for the moment. You forgot that you wanted to hate him, you forgot that he wasn’t yours, and you forgot that everything about this wasn’t right. All you felt was a strange sensation running through your body, your arms thrown around his neck, his hands at your waist as your lips moved in sync. It was almost scary how just a few days ago, you were determined to live your life happily without him, and now you were kissing him with such desperation, such need that it seemed pathetic.

But when he pulled away, you remembered everything. You sighed, taking a step back, folding your arms across your chest. “When this is over…I can’t see you again. Not even as friends.”

He nodded, shoving his hands in his pocket. “What if…What if I broke up with her? Right now?”

You looked into his eyes, trying to figure out if it was a lie, a joke; but you couldn’t see it. Instead, you saw the same desperation that you had in your eyes moments before. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel something fighting against the idea of him leaving someone and immediately going to you. “You’d have to give it some time.”

He sighed, pursing his lips before shrugging. “Well, I guess we should get back in there.”

After that, you hadn’t seen any of them. The only thing that remained was the memories, the bittersweet memories that you desperately tried to forget. But you couldn’t; you couldn’t possibly forget how his lips made you feel at home, how his touch made you feel like you were floating, and how his voice made you feel like you were in paradise. And no matter how much you told yourself that it was a mistake, you couldn’t stop the corners of your lips from curling up into a smile, or stop your heart from fluttering as every detail of the moment played vividly in your head.

A few months had passed at that point, and the date was one you’d thought of for a long time. And it seemed unrealistic in your head, even in the beginning, but you still felt lonely and hurt as you dragged your feet through your empty home.

You had always imagined both of you trying your hardest to make it special for the other. Flowers, a nice home-cooked dinner, and a movie. You thought about cooking with him, having your arms around his waist, your head rested on his back as he laughed shyly, then having him turn around to kiss your forehead.

“Happy anniversary,” you mumbled to yourself, neck hanging as you stared down at your lap.

Then there was a knock. Then his voice.

Your heart pounded, and you thought you’d heard a ghost. It couldn’t have been him; you doubted he even remembered something so insignificant to him.

You got up to open the door, just to make sure that no one was out there. But he was, standing with one hand in his pocket, roses in the other hand with a small, nervous smile on his face. “This…This has to be a dream,” you said, shaking your head. “There’s no other explanation; it has to be.”

“Well, it’s not,” he said, handing you the flowers. “Happy anniversary.”

“You…You remembered?” You stepped aside, allowing him to come in. And although you were convinced that it was just a cruel dream, you were ready to allow it to continue; it was all you had.

“Of course I did,” he said, hands on his lap as he sat on the couch. “Well, it didn’t cross my mind until last month, but at least I remembered.”

You sighed, taking the space next to him, flowers up to your nose as a small smile played on your face. “Thank you,” you mumbled. Your heart fluttered each time you looked at them, but you knew the feeling wouldn’t last. Not by some gut feeling, but because of how things usually were. And you hated being negative, but you needed to prepare yourself for it; your heart just couldn’t take it anymore. And you could tell him to go away, that you hated him, that you never wanted to see him again, but that was far from the truth, and you knew it, and he knew it.

He reached over, hand on your thigh as he stared down at his feet. “I’m not with Seolhyun anymore. And I don’t mean that we’re on a break; it’s completely over this time.”

You raised an eyebrow, doubting that it was over for good. No matter how much he said he loved you, or how much he said he cared about you, you didn’t think it was enough for them to ever be completely apart. He was far too comfortable with her to ever leave her, and you knew it.

“It’s been over for a while now. Specifically, after the double date. When I kissed you that night, I realized that there was no reason for me to be with her when I couldn’t stop loving you. It wasn’t good for me because I was unhappy and felt stuck, and it wasn’t good for her, because as much as I tried to hide it, it was obvious that I couldn’t put my feelings for you aside.” He swallowed, sighing as he finally looked in your eyes, mouth slightly open as he sat there silently for a moment. “You know what else I realized? That I stupidly let you slip away because I was too scared of us breaking up, but now I’m ready to catch you. That’s if you’ll let me, of course.”

You sat there, heart pounding, eyes stinging as he hesitantly laced his fingers with yours. There was no way it was real; there was no way that you were finally getting everything that you wanted from him. There was no way that all your tears and screaming and pain lead to this. “If this is a dream, I’m going to be so sad when I wake up,” you whispered, looking down at his hand in yours.

“Then you’re in luck, because this is real life,” he said, a small smile on his face as he stared at your lips. “And if your answer is yes, I’d really love to ki—”

Kissing him felt different when he was yours. That heavenly, otherworldly feeling multiplied by ten. Time didn’t matter, nothing else around you mattered; all you cared about was him, how familiar his lips felt, how sweet he tasted, how his hand caressed your face as he desperately tried to lean in closer until he was on top of you, how your heart threatened to bruise your ribcage when his soft, plush lips trailed along your jawline. You couldn’t wait to feel him, the Kyungsoo that was finally yours.

Your relationship wasn’t perfect; you had petty arguments from time to time, but none of it mattered in the end. You had loved each other too much to let your relationship crumble after all the pain you had been through. Pain that you had learned to appreciate, because without your time apart, without all the struggle, neither of you would have realized just how much you had loved each other.

You were on your fifth year together, and you snuggled comfortably into his chest, his breathing slow and steady, soothing enough for you to eventually fall asleep. But he couldn’t; he had a lot to think about, a lot to plan for you, and he couldn’t stop the smile from creeping on his face as he thought about it.

He was going to propose. You’d talked about marriage before, not in length, but you were both open to it. And even though he knew this, nervousness settled in his chest, his fear of you rejecting him making him second guess everything. But he learned his lesson; fear wasn’t going to make him ruin everything again.

Fear wasn’t going to stop him from calling you his wife.


End file.
